By chance or by fate?

I would normally check my Friendster account before I retire for the day. Tonight was no exception.

As I was browsing through the profiles of my friends, I came across one profile that roused my curiosity. It was the profile of someone I only know by name.  My heart beat faster as I was browsing through her profile. My hunch was confirmed – she’s the wife of my ex-S.O.  I already expected the next thing – seeing my ex’s profile finally exposed in Friendster.

And then, I just felt a sudden surge of emotions in my chest and several thoughts raced through my mind upon seeing my ex’s face right in front of my screen. 

I wanted to resist the urge to send a message to someone who became part of my past. After drafting my letter and thinking 100 times of whether to send it or not, I clicked on the Send button. I thought that it was just a very friendly message anyway, so I don’t think that will be something for me to regret. But when I saw the confirmation screen splash in front of me, I chickened out and wanted to take back the message. There’s nothing I can do to stop the process. I felt numb for a couple of minutes then I decided to write here.

I’m just keeping my hopes high that I won’t be put in a bad light with that message I sent. But still, I felt stupid for not thinking 1000 times about sending that message. Oh geez!

Was my seeing him on Friendster by chance or by fate? I really don’t know and I can’t answer that for now. Just like any other incident happening in my life each and every day, I know that there’s a purpose and a message from the One up there. Whatever that is, I’m sure I’ll know in God’s time.

Love Quote 07-27-04

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

– Madonna, O Magazine (January 2004)

Lessons from a love story

I was watching 30 Days earlier this evening and I was glued to my seat because it featured one of my bets, Dino Guevarra. I’m sure everyone will agree that this ex-matinee idol had the X factor and the talent to be successful in showbusiness. He did become successful but only for a short period of time because he gave up his blossoming career in exchange for his love for a colleague, Kim delos Santos, who was also one of the freshest and most beautiful faces that graced showbusiness during their time.

Despite the odds of being in love and fighting for their love at such a young age, they were able to prove that love transcends all boundaries. We saw how Kim grew so big on and off screen, not because she was pregnant but because she had thyroid problems and polycystic ovaries (just like me) which screwed up her hormones. We were all expecting that this love affair that ended in marriage will also end up in the abyss of separation after a couple of months. But it didn’t.

In the 30 Days episode, Kim talked about the biggest challenge that they faced and is now facing as a couple. She was in tears when she talked about how Dino’s bid for a political career took very serious toll on their relationship. They were fighting everyday and it made Kim go into depression. Add to that the fact that she felt insecure about how she looked and how she felt that Dino is not anymore attracted to her. She told the audience how much she loved her partner and would do everything for him. She even admitted in public that they came to a point where they were already on the verge of ending their marriage. She also admitted that during one of their serious talks, Dino cried in front of her while she was saying her piece. Luckily, though, they were still able to settle their differences and until now, they’re still together.

Dino on the other hand was man enough to admit that he and Kim are having marital problems just like anyone else who is in their position. One issue that made him cry was the fact that the woman he loves so much cannot give him a child. I felt the pain and it was a pain that was so deeply rooted in his heart. But still I saw in his eyes the hope that someday soon, he and Kim will have their own child despite the odds.

All throughout the episode, I was on the verge of crying because I understand and know very much the feelings that Kim had. I was touched by the intensity of the couple’s feelings while watching the show. If only there were no other people around me at that time, I could’ve cried my heart out while Kim was crying on TV.

I know very well how it is to grow so big and yet people would think that it happened because of uncontrollable eating habits. Like Kim, I also have polycystic ovaries and the different medications that I took for the condition made me balloon into a body that everyone dreads to have. I was made aware that bearing a child would be difficult for me. The chances were 50-50.  My condition worsened so I took the chance of undergoing the operation last year. If I didn’t undergo the operation last year to remove all the cysts in my ovaries, Basti wouldn’t be here right now.  The baby was a blessing but I travelled a rough road bringing him into this world. Right now, I know that the condition’s back and I was made aware as well that having another child can already be a shot to the moon. It’s frustrating but that’s the truth.

Kim’s situation is harder because she has a thyroid problem to deal with together with her being polycystic. I can only pray that hopefully God can grant them their wish real soon.

It’s tough being in a society where fat people are regarded as irresponsible eaters. Our male society hails slim and thin women. Boobsies should always go with a slim and thin body to be regarded as sexy and this is one statement that I hated to accept.  It was not easy for me to adjust from being 115 lbs. to being almost 200 lbs. I had to go through so many adjustments but that didn’t stop me to become the person that I wanted to be and it all the more made me realize that being too concerned about how I look won’t do me any good. I lived with it and now I’m living through it. Of course, there are health concerns that I’m facing but still, this will not stop me from being the person that I am.

Both Dino and Kim are good-looking people inside-out. For me, their love story is one that I would always remember whenever I’m contemplating on letting my husband go. Listening to their story made me realize that I’m blessed to have a partner who’s much like Dino – a partner who sees beyond my imperfections physically and otherwise. Just like them, my husband and I are going through tough times right now; but I would like to believe that just like Kim and Dino, the time will come when we would also be renewing our vows and that when we look at each other in the eye, we know for ourselves that we can’t live without each other because love is all that matters.

After 12 years…

I was at the venue almost 2 hours before 7pm. I was eagerly waiting for all of them to come. I ate some snacks, read pages from the newest issue of Smart Parenting and puffed a couple of cigarettes.

 

I am quite used to waiting but this time it was quite annoying for me to be waiting for people I haven’t seen for the longest time, 12 years to be exact. Thoughts raced through my mind if they’re coming or not. And then finally, a familiar face walked in and eased the boredom and anxiety I was feeling throughout the day.

 

My batchmates started coming in one after the other shortly after 7PM. And then that started the night of never-ending picture-taking sessions and how-are-you’s. Half of the group that came in already have families of their own and the other half (of course) were still single and most probably half of them are committed or haven’t found their partners in life just yet.  

 

I have to admit that I envy some of them who have established careers and were able to pursue their dreams. I, too, had those. It just so happened that I lacked the focus and concentration that I needed to pursue my own dreams and plans for myself right after high school. While I was driving home, I realized that I haven’t done much to myself for the past 12 years except for some things like surviving an physically and emotionally abusive relationship and losing my fiancee to another girl. But in the end, I also realized that in more ways than one, I still consider myself as fulfilled and successful because I now have my own family that I’m proud of; and that I’m still blessed to be given people in my life that I will never trade for any degree or title in my lifetime. Our reunion made me realize that success is subjective and relative.

 

I’m very proud to be part of a batch that produced a lot of professionals and successful people in different fields. When I heard their success stories, I couldn’t help but just feel so honored that for 4 years I was with them and I grew up with them.

 

As I expected, we’re all more mature and we’ve grown as individuals in more ways than one. But still when we laugh, it’s just like we’re back to circa 1988-1992 – we reminded each other of how we had to fall in line when passing though the school corridors, how our ribbons should look like, how we should always have a half slip underneath our uniform – the list just went on and on and we just all laughed remembering those times. We also remembered teachers and of course the chismis that will always be part of any group.

 

Just like anyone else, I’m also looking forward to the next reunion. We do plan to make this a regular thing for our group. It would really be great to see them every so often. It felt really good hearing us laugh together once again. I’m looking forward to develop better friendships/relationships with these people and hopefully, these will be friendships that will outlast even our own lifetime.

Our high school batch dinner/reunion

Our high school batch will be having our dinner/get-together/reunion tonight at 7PM. I’m excited because after 12 years, I’ll be seeing old and familiar faces. 

I’m looking forward to see these people I was with for four gruelling years of high school. Those years were fun but of course there are forgettable memories that went with it.

It would be great to see them again. At least, we’re more mature now and I would like to think that we’re all better off (not in material wealth) as persons than we were before.

But of course, there’s this thought that I’ve been thinking about the past couple of days about a person I would not want to see in this joyous occasion. I still stand by that thought and conviction of mine. But if in any case I would be seeing her, it’s definite that she won’t be hearing a thing from me. Not even a “Hi!” or “Hello!” or “How are you?” In my book, she doesn’t deserve it because I would like to consider her as extinct.

the one that got away

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people.

Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with…and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a long-time partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work.

Small problems become big; inconsequentials become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good;it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone.He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work.

And it’ll make sense, it really will. So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived.

And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairytale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it.

Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple…find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that

you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone,”Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

I guess I’m really just a sucker for articles dealing about it that I can’t help but put it on my blog. The essay speaks of one of the sad truths about love and relationships. What if the one that got away really wanted to be away from you? Do you still have a choice? What if after making sure that he/she won’t get away, he/she would still be away because God and/or fate didn’t want you to be together? Just a thought.

Just Grow Up

Many people are afraid of growing old.

I ‘m afraid of growing old and boring.

Many people are afraid of growing old, alone.

I’m afraid of growing old insane.

Many people are afraid of losing their looks.

I’m afraid of losing my dreams.

Many people are afraid of losing their youth.

I’m afraid of losing my soul.

When you’re 15, 35 seems ancient.

When you’re 35, 15 seems juvenile.

A turnaround in a split second — two decades zoom past and before you know it, it’s only a mile to the next millennium.

Don’t fear age — it’s a rite of personhood.

Don’t fear death — it’s God’s greatest jest.

Don’t grow old — you don’t have to.

Don’t date because you’re desperate.

Don’t marry because you’re miserable.

Don’t have kids because you think your genes are superior.

Don’t separate because you think it’s fashionable.

Don’t drink because you have troubles.

Don’t gamble because you think winning is inevitable.

Don’t philander because you think you’re irresistible.

Most likely, you’re not.

Don’t associate with people you can’t trust.

Don’t cheat.

Don’t lie.

Don’t pretend.

Don’t try to buy your way into the kingdom of God.

Don’t dictate because you’re smarter.

Don’t demand because you’re stronger.

Don’t sleep around because you think you’re old enough and know better.

Don’t hurt your kids because loving them is harder.

Don’t sell your self, your family or your ideals.

Don’t stagnate.

Don’t regress.

Learn a new skill.

Find a new friend.

Start a new career.

Don’t live in the past.

Time can’t bring anything or anyone back.

Don’t put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.

Don’t throw you life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking and you can’t afford to have your eggs harvested before the new millennium.

There’s always a mad rush to something, somewhere but victory does not always belong to those who finish first.

Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life’s more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.

To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.

To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.

Don’t bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To keep yourself warm, buy a jacket.

In the long run, it will be less complicated and costly.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best you can be.

Simplify your life.

Take away the clutter.

Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits and dangerous liaisons.

Don’t abandon your responsibilities but don’t overdose on duty.

Don’t live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.

Be true to yourself.

Don’t commit when you’re not ready.

Don’t keep others waiting needlessly.

Fall in love — it’s the greatest thing on earth.

But take care.

And remember, after the fall must come the rise.

Go on that trip.

Don’t postpone it.

Say those words.

Don’t let the moment pass.

Do what you must even at society’s scorn.

Write poetry.

Love deeply.

Walk barefoot.

Hold hands.

Dance with wild abandon.

Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself.

Don’t wait for someone to take care of you.

You light up your life.

You drive yourself to your destination.

No one completes you… except you.

It is true that life doesn’t get easier with age.

It only gets more challenging.

Don’t be afraid.

Don’t lose your capacity to love.

Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.

Don’t lose faith in God.

Don’t grow old…..

Just grow up.

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I find it weird that after reading through all this, I realized that it’s so much easier to grow old than to grow up. With all that I’m doing and thinking, I think it would be great if I start to grow up once again taking it one step at a time – just like a baby learning to crawl, then walk, then run, then speak. Oh well…this is the life!!!!

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Love Quote

masakit magmahal pag binigay mo lahat…

kahit alam mo walang darating na kapalit…

pero mas masakit magmahal pag pinaasa ka nya na mahal ka nya tapos sasabihin syo na… “SORRY, YOKO NA…”