By chance or by fate?

I would normally check my Friendster account before I retire for the day. Tonight was no exception.

As I was browsing through the profiles of my friends, I came across one profile that roused my curiosity. It was the profile of someone I only know by name.  My heart beat faster as I was browsing through her profile. My hunch was confirmed – she’s the wife of my ex-S.O.  I already expected the next thing – seeing my ex’s profile finally exposed in Friendster.

And then, I just felt a sudden surge of emotions in my chest and several thoughts raced through my mind upon seeing my ex’s face right in front of my screen. 

I wanted to resist the urge to send a message to someone who became part of my past. After drafting my letter and thinking 100 times of whether to send it or not, I clicked on the Send button. I thought that it was just a very friendly message anyway, so I don’t think that will be something for me to regret. But when I saw the confirmation screen splash in front of me, I chickened out and wanted to take back the message. There’s nothing I can do to stop the process. I felt numb for a couple of minutes then I decided to write here.

I’m just keeping my hopes high that I won’t be put in a bad light with that message I sent. But still, I felt stupid for not thinking 1000 times about sending that message. Oh geez!

Was my seeing him on Friendster by chance or by fate? I really don’t know and I can’t answer that for now. Just like any other incident happening in my life each and every day, I know that there’s a purpose and a message from the One up there. Whatever that is, I’m sure I’ll know in God’s time.

Love Quote 07-27-04

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage, because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

– Madonna, O Magazine (January 2004)

Lessons from a love story

I was watching 30 Days earlier this evening and I was glued to my seat because it featured one of my bets, Dino Guevarra. I’m sure everyone will agree that this ex-matinee idol had the X factor and the talent to be successful in showbusiness. He did become successful but only for a short period of time because he gave up his blossoming career in exchange for his love for a colleague, Kim delos Santos, who was also one of the freshest and most beautiful faces that graced showbusiness during their time.

Despite the odds of being in love and fighting for their love at such a young age, they were able to prove that love transcends all boundaries. We saw how Kim grew so big on and off screen, not because she was pregnant but because she had thyroid problems and polycystic ovaries (just like me) which screwed up her hormones. We were all expecting that this love affair that ended in marriage will also end up in the abyss of separation after a couple of months. But it didn’t.

In the 30 Days episode, Kim talked about the biggest challenge that they faced and is now facing as a couple. She was in tears when she talked about how Dino’s bid for a political career took very serious toll on their relationship. They were fighting everyday and it made Kim go into depression. Add to that the fact that she felt insecure about how she looked and how she felt that Dino is not anymore attracted to her. She told the audience how much she loved her partner and would do everything for him. She even admitted in public that they came to a point where they were already on the verge of ending their marriage. She also admitted that during one of their serious talks, Dino cried in front of her while she was saying her piece. Luckily, though, they were still able to settle their differences and until now, they’re still together.

Dino on the other hand was man enough to admit that he and Kim are having marital problems just like anyone else who is in their position. One issue that made him cry was the fact that the woman he loves so much cannot give him a child. I felt the pain and it was a pain that was so deeply rooted in his heart. But still I saw in his eyes the hope that someday soon, he and Kim will have their own child despite the odds.

All throughout the episode, I was on the verge of crying because I understand and know very much the feelings that Kim had. I was touched by the intensity of the couple’s feelings while watching the show. If only there were no other people around me at that time, I could’ve cried my heart out while Kim was crying on TV.

I know very well how it is to grow so big and yet people would think that it happened because of uncontrollable eating habits. Like Kim, I also have polycystic ovaries and the different medications that I took for the condition made me balloon into a body that everyone dreads to have. I was made aware that bearing a child would be difficult for me. The chances were 50-50.  My condition worsened so I took the chance of undergoing the operation last year. If I didn’t undergo the operation last year to remove all the cysts in my ovaries, Basti wouldn’t be here right now.  The baby was a blessing but I travelled a rough road bringing him into this world. Right now, I know that the condition’s back and I was made aware as well that having another child can already be a shot to the moon. It’s frustrating but that’s the truth.

Kim’s situation is harder because she has a thyroid problem to deal with together with her being polycystic. I can only pray that hopefully God can grant them their wish real soon.

It’s tough being in a society where fat people are regarded as irresponsible eaters. Our male society hails slim and thin women. Boobsies should always go with a slim and thin body to be regarded as sexy and this is one statement that I hated to accept.  It was not easy for me to adjust from being 115 lbs. to being almost 200 lbs. I had to go through so many adjustments but that didn’t stop me to become the person that I wanted to be and it all the more made me realize that being too concerned about how I look won’t do me any good. I lived with it and now I’m living through it. Of course, there are health concerns that I’m facing but still, this will not stop me from being the person that I am.

Both Dino and Kim are good-looking people inside-out. For me, their love story is one that I would always remember whenever I’m contemplating on letting my husband go. Listening to their story made me realize that I’m blessed to have a partner who’s much like Dino – a partner who sees beyond my imperfections physically and otherwise. Just like them, my husband and I are going through tough times right now; but I would like to believe that just like Kim and Dino, the time will come when we would also be renewing our vows and that when we look at each other in the eye, we know for ourselves that we can’t live without each other because love is all that matters.

After 12 years…

I was at the venue almost 2 hours before 7pm. I was eagerly waiting for all of them to come. I ate some snacks, read pages from the newest issue of Smart Parenting and puffed a couple of cigarettes.

 

I am quite used to waiting but this time it was quite annoying for me to be waiting for people I haven’t seen for the longest time, 12 years to be exact. Thoughts raced through my mind if they’re coming or not. And then finally, a familiar face walked in and eased the boredom and anxiety I was feeling throughout the day.

 

My batchmates started coming in one after the other shortly after 7PM. And then that started the night of never-ending picture-taking sessions and how-are-you’s. Half of the group that came in already have families of their own and the other half (of course) were still single and most probably half of them are committed or haven’t found their partners in life just yet.  

 

I have to admit that I envy some of them who have established careers and were able to pursue their dreams. I, too, had those. It just so happened that I lacked the focus and concentration that I needed to pursue my own dreams and plans for myself right after high school. While I was driving home, I realized that I haven’t done much to myself for the past 12 years except for some things like surviving an physically and emotionally abusive relationship and losing my fiancee to another girl. But in the end, I also realized that in more ways than one, I still consider myself as fulfilled and successful because I now have my own family that I’m proud of; and that I’m still blessed to be given people in my life that I will never trade for any degree or title in my lifetime. Our reunion made me realize that success is subjective and relative.

 

I’m very proud to be part of a batch that produced a lot of professionals and successful people in different fields. When I heard their success stories, I couldn’t help but just feel so honored that for 4 years I was with them and I grew up with them.

 

As I expected, we’re all more mature and we’ve grown as individuals in more ways than one. But still when we laugh, it’s just like we’re back to circa 1988-1992 – we reminded each other of how we had to fall in line when passing though the school corridors, how our ribbons should look like, how we should always have a half slip underneath our uniform – the list just went on and on and we just all laughed remembering those times. We also remembered teachers and of course the chismis that will always be part of any group.

 

Just like anyone else, I’m also looking forward to the next reunion. We do plan to make this a regular thing for our group. It would really be great to see them every so often. It felt really good hearing us laugh together once again. I’m looking forward to develop better friendships/relationships with these people and hopefully, these will be friendships that will outlast even our own lifetime.

Our high school batch dinner/reunion

Our high school batch will be having our dinner/get-together/reunion tonight at 7PM. I’m excited because after 12 years, I’ll be seeing old and familiar faces. 

I’m looking forward to see these people I was with for four gruelling years of high school. Those years were fun but of course there are forgettable memories that went with it.

It would be great to see them again. At least, we’re more mature now and I would like to think that we’re all better off (not in material wealth) as persons than we were before.

But of course, there’s this thought that I’ve been thinking about the past couple of days about a person I would not want to see in this joyous occasion. I still stand by that thought and conviction of mine. But if in any case I would be seeing her, it’s definite that she won’t be hearing a thing from me. Not even a “Hi!” or “Hello!” or “How are you?” In my book, she doesn’t deserve it because I would like to consider her as extinct.