It’s almost 5am and I’m still wide awake, trying everything I can to get the sleep I need. I just feel so sentimental tonight so I started listening to some songs that I love to hear when I’m in this state.
I suddenly felt so old and battered while I reminisced about my past. I’ve gone through a lot of hardships and pain in my life – personal and otherwise. Like anyone else, I’ve already thought of ending my life. I was left all alone to face a life that had no future then. It dawned upon me that my so-called friends were not really my friends at all. I chose the man that I love over my husband, only for him to leave me and marry someone else. I was torn between pursuing a career or finishing my law studies. Family matters were everywhere around me. I forced myself to be a mistress in the hope to win back the guy that I lost. And the list just went on and on. I just wanted to be hit by lightning and die instantly. The aftermath was someone who was a total wreck from within – in my person.
There were two major reasons (and a couple of other minor ones) why I’m still alive and writing right now. First, it wasn’t my time yet. And second, I decided not to die yet.
At that point, I considered dying to be a decision that was in my hands. Why was that? Simply because if it was already my time, He would’ve allowed me to crash my own car in some remote place I was in at that time I was thinking of ending my life. He would’ve allowed me to kill myself by slashing the Swiss knife I was holding one time inside the bathroom. But then, He didn’t. And I was thankful for that.
For several weeks, I was dazed until I snapped out of it. After that bleak part of my past. I moved on and readily accepted the challenges that came to test my strength and my faith – in myself and in Him. It wasn’t easy making decisions that would totally change my life. I prayed everyday for guidance, comfort, enlightenment and strength. It wasn’t an easy road to trek knowing that there were a lot of things in my life that started out wrong in the first place. But then, one by one, things started falling into place. And I began to understand His intentions.
My prayers were being answered one by one. I got to where I am now because I opted to live. I realized that wanting to die was a very selfish motive, moreso, a loser’s choice. And I wasn’t born and raised to be a loser. I’m lucky to have been given the Divine Intervention during that dark moment in my life. I’m grateful that I didn’t choose to die at 25. I would’ve missed out on everything I have right now – a second chance with my husband, a wonderful son, a better relationship with my family, my true friends and a more livable life.
I may still have complaints about my life, who doesn’t? I’m only human to be doing such. My sentiments about certain things will always there. But I’m glad that He gave me the opportunity to choose. I will have moments where I’ll feel sentimental but these will be moments that I’ll treasure. It made me into the better person that I am now. It made me believe more in myself and strengthened my faith in Him. Life will never be easy but it can only get better.