Feeling senti…

It’s almost 5am and I’m still wide awake, trying everything I can to get the sleep I need. I just feel so sentimental tonight so I started listening to some songs that I love to hear when I’m in this state.

I suddenly felt so old and battered while I reminisced about my past. I’ve gone through a lot of hardships and pain in my life – personal and otherwise. Like anyone else, I’ve already thought of ending my life. I was left all alone to face a life that had no future then. It dawned upon me that my so-called friends were not really my friends at all. I chose the man that I love over my husband, only for him to leave me and marry someone else. I was torn between pursuing a career or finishing my law studies. Family matters were everywhere around me. I forced myself to be a mistress in the hope to win back the guy that I lost. And the list just went on and on. I just wanted to be hit by lightning and die instantly. The aftermath was someone who was a total wreck from within – in my person.

There were two major reasons (and a couple of other minor ones) why I’m still alive and writing right now. First, it wasn’t my time yet. And second, I decided not to die yet.

At that point, I considered dying to be a decision that was in my hands. Why was that? Simply because if it was already my time, He would’ve allowed me to crash my own car in some remote place I was in at that time I was thinking of ending my life. He would’ve allowed me to kill myself by slashing the Swiss knife I was holding one time inside the bathroom. But then, He didn’t. And I was thankful for that.

For several weeks, I was dazed until I snapped out of it. After that bleak part of my past. I moved on and readily accepted the challenges that came to test my strength and my faith – in myself and in Him. It wasn’t easy making decisions that would totally change my life. I prayed everyday for guidance, comfort, enlightenment and strength. It wasn’t an easy road to trek knowing that there were a lot of things in my life that started out wrong in the first place. But then, one by one, things started falling into place. And I began to understand His intentions.

My prayers were being answered one by one. I got to where I am now because I opted to live. I realized that wanting to die was a very selfish motive, moreso, a loser’s choice. And I wasn’t born and raised to be a loser. I’m lucky to have been given the Divine Intervention during that dark moment in my life. I’m grateful that I didn’t choose to die at 25. I would’ve missed out on everything I have right now – a second chance with my husband, a wonderful son, a better relationship with my family, my true friends and a more livable life.

I may still have complaints about my life, who doesn’t? I’m only human to be doing such. My sentiments about certain things will always there. But I’m glad that He gave me the opportunity to choose. I will have moments where I’ll feel sentimental but these will be moments that I’ll treasure. It made me into the better person that I am now. It made me believe more in myself and strengthened my faith in Him. Life will never be easy but it can only get better.

Even Now

This is one of my all-time ultimate break-up songs. This helped me get through it all. Everytime I listen to it, I couldn’t help but remember how it helped me cry out the emotions that bottled up inside me. The words of the song adhered to my true feelings when my world crumbled upon the demise of a relationship that was so dear to me.

It’s good to reminisce but it also brings back the pain. And then life goes on…

Even now

When there’s someone else who cares
When there’s someone home
Who’s waiting just for me
Even now I think about you
As I’m climbing up the stairs
And I wonder what to do so she won’t see

That even now
When I know it wasn’t right
And I found a better life than what we had
Even now
I wake up crying in the middle of the night
And I can’t believe it still could hurt so bad

Even now
When I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it’s still so hard without you
Even now
When I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew
Even now

Even now
When I never hear your name
And the world has changed
So much since you been gone
Even now I still remember
And the feeling’s still the same
And this pain inside of me goes on and on
Even now

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it’s still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through
I swear I think of you
And God I wish you knew somehow
Even now

Starstruck

Hubby and I went to Galleria today to meet my friend/kumare for coffee. While waiting for her, we decided to check out the Octagon Hall where the Philippines-Taiwan 9-Ball Challenge was being held. I did not have the budget to spend to watch the game up close because we can watch it on the projector that was situated just right outside of the paid watching area. Anyway, since my friend was not yet around, I decided to buy tickets and watch it. Besides, I was hoping I could see my crush, Ching-Shun Yang.

As we were watching the first few racks of the doubles tournament, my friend texted me to say that she was already at our meeting place and she was just going to the washroom to freshen up. I left the game for a while to have coffee with my friend.

My friend and I haven’t had a good talk for the past couple of months since my son’s baptism. The last time we met, she had to rush to work because she was running late. The timing was perfect for coffee and some cancer-inducing vice 🙂 We talked for about an hour and a half and then she left for work at the nearby call center. I rushed back to the Octagon Hall to catch whatever’s left of the game.

I was disappointed when hubby told me that Yang’s not playing anymore. I just watched the rest of the game until it ended and it was an opportunity for the audience to have their pictures taken or get the precious signatures of the foreign and local players.

Hubby saw Yang at the other side of the hall with other members of the audience asking for his autograph and having their pictures taken with him. I was taken aback because I instantly became shy. But hubby helped me to get what I wanted: an autograph and a picture with him. I was laughing at myself as I looked at our picture. It was very obvious that I was so “kilig.”

Of all the Taiwanese players, Yang can give Bossing Vic Sotto a run for his money. It’s just that he’s very shy or maybe tired, just like the rest of the Chinese Taipei contingent. He smiled back at me meekly as I thanked him for the photo opportunity and the autograph. I shook his hands and congratulated him for a great tournament even if I only saw his game on TV. He smiled back at me again but I wondered if he understood what I said or not. Anyway, the smile was more important than his understanding. 😀

Prior to this “heavenly” experience, I saw one of the Gutierrez twins walking with some girl friends on our way to the Octagon Hall. I had a hunch that it was Raymond that we saw but I couldn’t be too sure because I didn’t have any point of comparison. My jaw dropped when I saw how good looking he was – flawless and clear white skin, well-chiseled nose, towering height, sweet smile. Just perfect!

Ahhhh…a day of being starstruck despite the rage of typhoons Marce and Chaba. It rained men today…well, I’m not too sure, though, about the Gutierrez twin that I saw — ooooops CHISMIS!!!!! :p

Please Don’t Be Scared

There’s a light, behind your eyes

I see it shining, it only fades when you cry

there’s a heart that beats so strong

I feel it dying when the night time lasts too long

Now you and I have lived our century

And all I can say is what you offered to me

Please don’t be scared

‘Cause I’ve stood there too

Between survival and the right thing to do

‘Cause only the strong, admit their fears

And if you really need me

I’ll always be here

The parties and the lights

Fade to memories in the still of the night

And you wonder in your mind

If there’s nothing left to show for all the time

‘Cause feeling pain is a hard way to know you’re still alive

But someday someone will make you glad you survived

Please don’t be scared

‘Cause I’ve stood there too

Between survival and the right thing to do

‘Cause only the strong, admit their fears

And if you really need me

I’ll always be here

‘Cause feeling pain is a hard way to know you’re still alive

That someday someone will make you glad you survived

Please don’t be scared

‘Cause I’ve stood there too

Between survival and the right thing to do

‘Cause only the strong, admit their fears

And if you really need me

Oh I’ll always be here

No matter where you are

If you really need me

I’m never far

A boring Sunday

I was supposed to fetch my son at my in-laws’ house today. However, earlier this morning my car broke down when my brother used it to drop off some of our guests last night. For the first time in its 7 years of existence, my car’s radiator overheated. No repair stores were open so I have to wait ’til tomorrow to get it fixed. Now there goes my Sunday without my son! 😦

I just decided to upload his new pictures from my phone to my PC and update his website. I was pretty excited to do it. In fact, it was the first thing for today that made me smile.

It’s such a great feeling seeing your child grow right in your very eyes. But there’s a certain sadness that I feel whenever I discover that he’s already able to do new things. As he grows, I also grow – not just in days but also in knowledge and characted. Isn’t funny how a child can teach a grown-up person the values of patience and understanding?

I wouldn’t exchange my son’s happiness for anything in this world. I gave up a lot for him and it was all worth it. Even if it entails me to give up my life, I’ll do it for his sake.