I just wanna thank everyone who dropped me a line the past couple of days. You just don’t know how much your concern means to me. It uplifts my spirit to know that there are people who do care about how I feel. The feeling’s just exhilarating and liberating.
I hope this will be the start of better things to come for me. I know I still have a long way to go but I’m glad that my support groups are there for me (friends – online and otherwise – and my family).
And now I realize that things are not really as bad as I think they are when you have people around who care about you.
Excerpts from my conversation with Nathan today:
Nathan: ‘Di mo talaga mahal ang asawa mo….ang talagang mahal mo eh wala na dito…nasa ibang bansa na…
Me: *laughing* pero napaisip ako bigla
Nathan: Natutunan mo na syang mahalin (referring to MH) pero on and off ang relationship nyo. Lagi kayong nagplaplastikan…laging me tampuhan…matampuhin kang tao…madali kang magtampo…demanding ka…kelangan mo baguhin yun
Everything that happened in the past flashed back in my mind and I questioned myself secretly…”Mahal ko pa nga ba sya (referring to my ex) o hindi na?
Maraming beses ko nang naisip na kung ano kaya ang naging buhay ko kung kami ang nagkatuluyan. Siguro hiwalay na kami ngayon dahil certified babaero sya (nahuli ko rin sya gaya ng asawa ko) – at certified din na meron syang mga hang-ups na di kaya ng powers ko. Certified din na iba ang sinasabi nya sa ‘kin sa mga sinasabi nya sa mga kaibigan namin – sinungaling for short. Ewan ko ba! Magnet ako sa mga lalaking me sabit (read: babaero, sinungaling, me sayad ang utak, nambubugbog at lagi na lang akong sinasaktan sa lahat ng aspeto). Wala talaga akong naging swerte sa mga lalaking dumating at umalis sa buhay ko.
Ngayon ko lang na-realize na mahirap palang sagutin nang totoo ang tanong ko sa sarili ko kanina dahil ang totoo, hindi ko naman talaga sya tuluyang kinalimutan at tinigilang mahalin.
Pero ang alam ko, bahagi na sya ng nakaraan ko…hindi ko na pwede ibalik at ayoko nang balikan pa. Hindi tamang balikan at hindi na kami uubra pa kahit kelan.
Pero bakit kaya sa pagkakataong ito, bigla akong napaisip? Tama ba naman yun? Hindi ko na muna masasagot ang tanong na yan dahil hindi ko rin alam kung tama bang sagutin ko pa yan. Basta ang alam ko, sa ngayon, ang asawa ko ang ngayon at bukas ko, at dapat sya na nga diba? Kung hanggang kailan, isa na namang tanong yan na dapat kong pag-isipan ang sagot.
Bakit kaya ang dami kong tanong na kailangan ng kasagutan?
I woke up just in time to watch the live telecast of this season’s finale of American Idol on Star World. I’m very happy that my bet, Carrie Underwood, is this year’s American Idol. She just so deserves it!! 🙂
I’m still groping in the dark but slowly, I’m starting to accept the fact that I can’t do it alone. I somehow feel better now but I know I still have a long, long way to go. Praying really helps. Thank you Lord!
I know I don’t have millions of readers but I owe it to the few people who read my work to let you know that I won’t be around that much in the next couple of days or even weeks. Things have been so rough on me and the family lately. I want to get away from all of this. But being the responsible person that I am (well, at least, I think I am) I just can’t and now I have to face every single thing that’s happening HEAD ON.
I have to admit that I’m depressed. I’ve been staring into empty space more often now than before. I can’t think straight and I always find myself crying in the middle of doing whatever I’m doing. I guess this is my way to cope. It’s unconventional but it helps. I now seek to read biblical passages now as I’m comforted by them knowing that God’s behind me and God has a purpose for everything that’s happening. I welcome that and I’m open to accepting it.
It might take a while before I go back to my usual self. I have this knack to hide what I truly feel inside making one think that I’m just bluffing when I say that I’m depressed or problematic. Just a request, when you see me (in person), please don’t look at me in the eye – it will give me away.
I was told that Mama and the kids will be coming home to stay for a year. We don’t welcome the idea for we know it’s gonna bring out more problems and I dread the possibility of my parents’ separation becoming real right before my very eyes. Papa told me that he’ll be flying back to the US to join his sister if Mama comes home and subjects him to the kind of treatment he got from her during his stay in America. And if that happens, I’ll be caught between them once again – trying to understand Mama and trying to convince Papa to change his mind and stay. It’s all gonna be a different scenario once they come home knowing how bad the situation was when he was there. We’re out for another roller coaster ride and I know that the worst is yet to come.
How come an optimistic person like me think this way now? Honestly, I don’t know. I can say that I’m once again in the pits. My marriage is on the brink of failing, my son prefers to be with his grandparents than here with us, my parents are fighting over money and some other things, my siblings have become useless … and the list just goes on and on.
I know God has great plans for me and my family. I will never question that. I just hope we’ll all be able to weather the storms in our lives real soon.
Papa’s back home. Our day was so full. First stop early in the morning was Makati to drop off the padala from my aunt to her daughter here. Then we went to Duty Free and shopped for pasalubong. We thought it best to just get the pasalubongs there because Papa didn’t really like the idea of buying from the US and bringing it over. Just a waste of time and effort. We bought a lot of chocolates and of course some items for ourselves. It was fun shopping 🙂
We went to MH’s office afterwards and it was a great sight to see Papa and my parents-in-law interacting with each other. It was just way too cool for me and I love it 🙂 We had to leave after about an hour because Papa wanted to buy the TV already. We went to the appliance store and stayed there for a couple of hours. We ended up buying a new 29-in flat screen TV with a new home entertainment system. We weren’t supposed to buy the home entertainment system but Papa decided to make a go for it to make his TV watching experience more pleasant. But of course, I won’t be going out of the room that much anymore because I can watch movies right in the comfort of our room. 🙂 Yipee!!
We had coffee with my older brother at Gloria Jean’s and had an early Japanese dinner at Kitaro 🙂 And how I love Japanese food! Yummy!
MH and Papa went to a nearby beerhouse to have a couple of drinks. I just let them do their thing. I know I need not worry about it.
It was a tiring day but it was all worth it. It was nice bonding with Papa again. Despite the sad stories I’ve heard about his horrible vacation, he was still happy that he was able to his younger kids and my brother. They made him feel wanted and loved – unlike Mama who did nothing but to complain and fight with Papa over money and other things. Apparently, Papa didn’t want the kids to go with Ryan to drop him off at the airport because it will just make him cry to leave them behind with Mama. Papa pities how Mama’s treating the kids because Mama’s restraining everything that they want to do and what they can do. There are so many things Papa told me that made me cry again because I wasn’t expecting that their situation there was like that. And I feel so bad that I can’t do anything to change the situation. All I can do is pray that Mama would change her ways.
At the airport, Ryan hugged Papa so tightly for the first time before they separated. It made Papa’s eyes well with tears but he didn’t want that to stop him from leaving. He told Ryan about things he should do – to be patient with Mama, help her and try to understand her even more. Leaving the US will be a better thing for Papa to do rather than to stay and live with Mama’s very-hard-to-understand attitude. Ryan understood that and promised Papa that he’ll do what he can to live with the situation. It’s gonna be a tough one but it’s something they have to live with for now.
I really did miss Papa and it’s great to have him back.
As I’m writing this post, tears are just freely flowing from my eyes. I’ve been tossing and turning the whole night trying to get some sleep but I just couldn’t. Earlier I got messages from my brother and from Papa. Papa’s already at LAX airport waiting for his plane back to Manila to board. He’ll be flying out of the US in approximately 45 minutes.
Papa asked me to call him. I did just that and he told me that he needed to have his driver’s license renewed as soon as he gets here since it expired on his birthday. But more than that, I sensed sadness in his voice. Sabi nya, hanggang sa makaalis sya, ‘di sila nag-usap ni Mama. I asked why but he didn’t answer the question – he immediately changed the topic. I didn’t bother to ask again. I just told Papa that we’ll be picking him up at the airport later tonight. We’ll just talk by then – marami nga raw kaming pag-uusapan. That hit me again, and now here I am once more, crying my heart out – it just happened.
I asked my brother why he was the only one who dropped Papa off at the airport. Mama and the kids didn’t go with him. I knew that my brother just made a valid alibi – tired and they lacked sleep. But of course, for me, that’s no excuse. By that, I already knew something must be wrong. And the possibility of something more than just that alibi made me all the more cry.
My brother and I just finished exchanging messages. He’s with his friends chillin’ out at Starbucks. He can only sigh about our family’s situation but he’s hopeful that one day everything will be okay. I actually asked him if our parents already separated and he said he doesn’t know. And the thought of that being a possibility is actually killing me right now.
Once again, I’m caught in the middle of something unknown to me. For the past 3 years, we’ve been living our lives with Mama thousands of miles away from us – our communication thriving on weekly phone calls and very rare occasions of letters and cards. It’s a terrible set-up but we’ve learned to cope and live with it. I thought that the vacation would bring out something nice for the family but it didn’t. Instead, Papa will be going home with bad memories and sad stories.
I’m still crying right now and mahirap pala mag-type pag umiiyak ka kasi clouded ang vision ko. But I just can’t help it. I’m so emotional when it comes to my parents. No matter how bad they may seem to other people, I still love them very much and I’m hurt when I feel that something’s wrong between them. I don’t usually show it to my siblings, moreso, to MH. But here I am crying my heart out in front of the computer. I have to admit that I’m a weakling in more ways than one, but I know that someone has to be strong for the family. I can only cry to show how bad I feel at what’s happening. But I have faith that everything will be okay soon.
As I was browsing a friend’s profile at Yahoo!360, I was surprised to see a blog entry that hit me again, and I quote:
“We detach ourselves from emotional entanglements, and make better life decisions when we surrender what is painful. Sometimes the best solutions are seen when we stop struggling to find all the answers and allow ourselves to flow with the situation. In life there are times that we feel overwhelmed, like the answers we seek just cannot be found. In these moments Divine grace shows itself when we give ourselves over to life, relenquishing what is no longer needed.
We are taught often in life that no struggle means we aren’t trying hard enough, however the act of surrender does not
involve “quitting” or “giving up”. Surrender means not allowing our circumstances to control our lives, and allows us to make empowered, conscious choices. In this process of release we realize that “this too shall pass” and problems that appeared as mountains become suddenly more manageable. Peace is found in moments of surrender. Release life-draining forces such as anger, regret, and fear. Allow them to leave, so that new opportunities can make themselves known.
Focus on a situation or habit that has been difficult to manage. What causes you to hold onto this? What do you need to do in order to release it? Make a commitment to yourself today to surrender a situation that no longer serves your highest good.”
God is really so good!