It’s Over

Yes, it’s all over. Last night did it, I think. We exchanged text messages maligning each other once again. I fell asleep after a few minutes since I took some medicines for the mild allergy attack I’m having from the shrimps I ate for dinner.

This morning, I know it’s official – we’re separated. He told me that he doesn’t want to see me again and I replied:”triple ang kagustuhan ko na wag na syang makita pa ulit kahit na kelan!.” I’ve really had enough of everything. I saw it coming and I felt beforehand that we’re not going to last given the kind of relationship that we have. I did my best but it wasn’t good enough.

Where does this leave me? I don’t wanna say that I’m okay, yet I don’t wanna say that I’m not okay. I still have to shed a tear for what happened. I’m too numb to feel anything at this point. For now, I can only wait.

Is it really over? I guess it is. I’m too tired to go through the same thing with him for anothter time.

Basti’s not with me. He stayed for the weekend with my in-laws. I’m not too keen in fighting for my right over my son at this point. I’ll get there. In the meantime, I need to find ways to cry my heart out. I want to but it seems like I don’t have the strength to pour it all out. As I always say, for now, bahala na muna si Batman.

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Sound Tripping and Reminiscing on a Monday Morning

It’s been a while. I just wanna post my birthday greetings first before anything else:

May 31 – the ever so interesting, Ate G
June 02 – my grade school and high school batchmate and multi-talented mother, Bambi
June 03 – my brother, Ryan, Allen Iverson’s alter ego (hehehehehe!)
June 06 – my kumare and friend, Mrs. Jen Ladia

Happy birthday to you guys! You’re always in my prayers and I hope you get all your wishes this year (whatever they may be).

Friday night, I had coffee with Markie at Starbucks BF Homes. I was cashless that night so I had to use the plastic (although I despise using it). I couldn’t wait for Papa to come home because he picked me up from home right on time (9pm). I was looking forward to that coffee session with him. He’s actually one of my favorite coffee companions and spending that coffee time with him was all worth it.

I’m just so glad he’s already moving forward even if I know that sometimes he’s still thinking about what could have been. I’m sure God has other plans for him.

Anyway, I commented about the CD that he was playing in his car on our way to Starbucks. It was one of the 2 CDs he gave his former “lady love.” I told him how good the songs were. Pang-chick talaga! It was a phrase I coined from my ex. I must admit, I’m a sucker for love songs and I find mushy guys really sweet. I love it when a guy can show his feminine side – for me it’s so manly! I even made a comment at how unlikely MH is to be mushy. I’m a sucker for flowers, chocolates, love letters and all that stuff. My ex showered me with these and if there’s one thing I miss about him, it’s that.

Of all the love letters, cards and love notes I’ve received, the only ones I was able to keep were the ones from C (let’s just name my 3 exes A (ex #1), B (ex #2) and C (ex #3) to “protect” their identities – although I’m pretty sure there are some who might know who they were.). The very first love letter I got from C was an acrostic of I LOVE YOU written on a blue-colored stationery dated July 1996. I was still recovering from the abusive relationship I was into for 2 years before I met him. C made the recovery all the more easier for me to handle. He listened to everything I had to say and he understood where I was coming from. He was sincere and he accepted everything about me with an open mind and with an open heart. Aside from the things that we had in common, we were also very different from each other in more ways than one. The things that he did and did not do, that did it for me – it made me fall for him.

I was able to read again that letter 3 years ago when I was cleaning out my stuff in our library. I saw the metallic Hershey’s box that contained all the love letters, notes and cards he gave me. I remembered how he would give me a note before I went to my next class; how he would tear a page from my notebook or filofax and wrote “I LOVE YOU!” and then hand it to me. I was also able to keep the first bunch of white roses he gave me. It brought me back memories of the signs I asked God to give me so that I’ll know that the guy’s already the one for me – if I receive white roses from a guy without any occasion whatsoever and if I get a ring from him. C did just that. I actually lost the puzzle ring he gave me. But from then on, I told myself that he’s really the one. But God had other plans for us and we’re now living separate lives.

After reading through everything I got in that box, I burned everything that was in there and watched ’til they all turned into just ashes full of the good stuff. As I watched the flames engulf every single memento I have of C, tears fell down my eyes knowing that I won’t be able to read back what I called as my own fairy tale. Turning my back on the good memories I have of him was a painful thing for me to do. I just had to do it because I don’t want to be reminded anymore of how deeply in love I was with him. He was the greatest love of my life – far greater than my first boyfriend who was my childhood crush and I can’t even compare it to the love I have for MH now. Funny, MH knows about it.

As I listen to the mushy songs I can get hold of in my PC, it’s funny how it can bring back those memories I have of him. Reading his notes then brought back the “kilig” I felt the first time I received his first letter and everytime I would get something from him. I couldn’t help but smile when I remember that. There are just so many good memories of him that I’ve kept in my heart and mind and they will always be there ’til the day I die. I can still feel the touch of his hand in mine, the sweet kisses we would give each other, the way he would lovingly look at me – these are but some of the good things I remember of him. It was good while it lasted but as the song goes, some good things never last. My fairy tale did not have a happy-ever-after ending with him. But he’s one fairy tale I’ll never forget.