My Guilts

I felt that my earlier entry was a little too heavy so I decided to post something a little bit lighter. I did a tag from Buge‘s blog and here’s what I came up with…

Guilt What is yours? Explain yourself
Culinary: Spaghetti I can eat loads of it!
Literary: Blogs because I love reading about other people’s lives and learn a thing or 2 from them
Audiovisual: Grey’s Anatomy I just love the life’s lessons that they impart in the show
Musical: Love songs and New Wave hits I’m just a sucker for them
Celebrity: Dennis Trillo He’s my imaginary boyfriend! LOL!

And now I need to prepare for another night at work…

The beginning of a new life

24 December 2006

We were in the middle of planning for what we would like to be a cool Noche Buena for the family. But all came to an abrupt end when me and my mother fought like there was no tomorrow. She threw things at me, we said hurting words at each other, we ended up being mortal enemies. She cursed me to the bone and that was the end of our relationship as mother and daughter.

I finally gathered all my belongings to start my life anew. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t even know where I got my strength to pick up all those equipment and luggages that I have. All I knew was that, after 2 trips just to get half of my stuff out, I was exhausted and emotionally-drained. Yes, it was the worst Christmas of my life because I had to leave behind people who mattered to me more than myself, excluding my mother. A lot of thoughts raced through my confused and disturbed mind but I held on to sanity.

I attended the annual family reunion of MH without that usual Christmas aura I have every year. I was quiet – trying to hide every inch of pain I was feeling that day. We met up with Papa and had Noche Buena at a cozy restaurant in Remedios and spent the night at a hotel.

Despite the challenge, God was still so good to us because in the middle of the Christmas brouhaha, when everyone is away having fun, I was able to find a suitable place for Papa and I to move in after the holidays. It’s only as big as what my room used to be but I know that it is going to be a HOME to the people who are special and important to me.

Since then, I have struggled to live a normal life – cutting out on unnecessary expenses and giving up the lifestyle I used to have. I have started to become more and more responsible for the things I have around me. I have bills to take care of, rent that needs to be covered monthly and work that I should appreciate and be thankful for having because it helps me survive. I am still not totally independent from Papa because without him, I wouldn’t have any food to eat or gas for my car to run – but I have learned to appreciate his presence even more.

During the earlier times of the crisis, I would see Papa teary-eyed talking about the situation. But he has also been telling his friends how much he appreciates my being his daughter. For the first time in my life, I felt that I was special, important and that I am a significant part of one person’s life. When I’m alone, I couldn’t help but cry when I think about it because I know that my father is just proud of all of his children despite our being hard headed, demanding and bratty. How I wish our mother felt just the same for us, but I know that that is way beyond reality. You may negate it, but I will still insist because she herself told me that day that she doesn’t care about any one of us and that we’re all worthless to her. My mother is heartless – she is the exception to the rule.

I may be speaking this way but I’m not bitter. In fact, I am thankful that this happened. It has once again tested my ability to stand up for my decisions in life. I don’t regret what happened. God has His reasons for letting this happen and I’m just open to that. But one thing I’m sure of is that, I have learned that I am a person with value, and that I have worth as a daughter in the eyes of my father. I have started to move on and now I’m moving forward.

The Five Variable Love Test

I got this from Cessna’s blog and was interested to know how I’d fare. So here goes…

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is low.
You see love as a gift that you should give to many.
It’s hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time…
Let alone one person for the rest of your life!

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You’ve loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn’t mean you’re a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You’d like to believe in true and everlasting love…
But you’ve definitely been burned enough to know better.
You’re still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is medium.
In relationships, you need both “me time” and “we time.”
You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.
But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

I won’t deny it…these are all true.

Before the fateful day

23 December 2006

Together with Papa and my siblings, we went to Cash and Carry and to the Mall of Asia to shop for our Christmas goodies. My kid sisters each got their own gaming consoles and a couple of more games for their playing pleasure. They each had new pairs of shoes and clothing for Christmas. I did some last minute shopping for MH’s relatives too. Papa shopped some items for himself too. I was very happy looking at my sisters because they had the time of their lives getting EXACTLY what they wanted for Christmas. It was just great seeing them very, very happy with all their Christmas wishes coming true right before their very eyes. I also saw how Papa was very happy and content to see that he was able to play Santa again to everyone in the family. He’s just so good at being so generous without the angst and tinge of regret for shelling out his hard-earned moolah for his kids.

When we got home, I had that eeky feeling that my mother wanted to pick a fight with me. She almost did. But because I shrugged all her comments off my shoulder, I decided not to take on the challenge and instead just kept my silence — all in the spirit of the Christmas season and in the thought of my father being able to rest after a long day outside the house.

But I never thought that it would be the night to start what I would call the worst Christmas season of my life (and of my father and siblings).

Hey…It’s me again!

Nagdaan man ang maraming unos sa buhay ko, eto pa rin at buhay na buhay ako. Oo, buhay pa ‘ko! Mag-uumpisa na naman ako magsulat tungkol sa mga nangyari ng mga nakaraang buwan at ipagpapatuloy kong sumulat sa mga darating pang araw. Bahala na kung maidedetalye ko pa pero kung hindi man, siguro pinili na ng utak ko na ‘wag na gawin yun. Kung sakaling makapagsulat ako tungkol sa mga pangyayaring yun, sana eh meron kayong matutunang aral at merong maidudulot na maganda ang pagbabasa nyo rito.

Marami man akong pinagdaanan at pinagdadaanan pa sa ngayon napalitan naman ng kaligayahan ang malamang maraming naghahanap sa ‘kin at maraming gustong makibalita sa buhay ko. Chismosa talaga ang mga Pinoy, pero ok lang yan, kasi chismosa rin naman ako. Hehehe!

Walang kokontra – talagang pinag-isipan kong magsulat sa Tagalog – at meron pa ‘kong “draft” (ano ba ito sa Tagalog) na pinabasa ko pa sa tatay ko bago ko tinayp dito para naman ‘di ako magtunog-Barok. Nyehehehe!

At eto na naman ang umpisa ng bagong kabanata sa paglalakbay ni Mommyba…