24 December 2006
We were in the middle of planning for what we would like to be a cool Noche Buena for the family. But all came to an abrupt end when me and my mother fought like there was no tomorrow. She threw things at me, we said hurting words at each other, we ended up being mortal enemies. She cursed me to the bone and that was the end of our relationship as mother and daughter.
I finally gathered all my belongings to start my life anew. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t even know where I got my strength to pick up all those equipment and luggages that I have. All I knew was that, after 2 trips just to get half of my stuff out, I was exhausted and emotionally-drained. Yes, it was the worst Christmas of my life because I had to leave behind people who mattered to me more than myself, excluding my mother. A lot of thoughts raced through my confused and disturbed mind but I held on to sanity.
I attended the annual family reunion of MH without that usual Christmas aura I have every year. I was quiet – trying to hide every inch of pain I was feeling that day. We met up with Papa and had Noche Buena at a cozy restaurant in Remedios and spent the night at a hotel.
Despite the challenge, God was still so good to us because in the middle of the Christmas brouhaha, when everyone is away having fun, I was able to find a suitable place for Papa and I to move in after the holidays. It’s only as big as what my room used to be but I know that it is going to be a HOME to the people who are special and important to me.
Since then, I have struggled to live a normal life – cutting out on unnecessary expenses and giving up the lifestyle I used to have. I have started to become more and more responsible for the things I have around me. I have bills to take care of, rent that needs to be covered monthly and work that I should appreciate and be thankful for having because it helps me survive. I am still not totally independent from Papa because without him, I wouldn’t have any food to eat or gas for my car to run – but I have learned to appreciate his presence even more.
During the earlier times of the crisis, I would see Papa teary-eyed talking about the situation. But he has also been telling his friends how much he appreciates my being his daughter. For the first time in my life, I felt that I was special, important and that I am a significant part of one person’s life. When I’m alone, I couldn’t help but cry when I think about it because I know that my father is just proud of all of his children despite our being hard headed, demanding and bratty. How I wish our mother felt just the same for us, but I know that that is way beyond reality. You may negate it, but I will still insist because she herself told me that day that she doesn’t care about any one of us and that we’re all worthless to her. My mother is heartless – she is the exception to the rule.
I may be speaking this way but I’m not bitter. In fact, I am thankful that this happened. It has once again tested my ability to stand up for my decisions in life. I don’t regret what happened. God has His reasons for letting this happen and I’m just open to that. But one thing I’m sure of is that, I have learned that I am a person with value, and that I have worth as a daughter in the eyes of my father. I have started to move on and now I’m moving forward.
