Note: I’m sharing this heartbreaking and quite a cathartic find (in some aspects) from Facebook.
So is this goodbye?
I never thought you and I would ever go our separate ways. I thought we were for keeps, forever. I feel sad that it has to come to this. We have spent so much time together, and we know each other so well that it’s hard to imagine life without you, or remember life before you for that matter.
I want to scream and shout at you so much. Some of the things you have said have been so hurtful, so unlike you. I can’t though, I can’t be really angry at you. I only have to look at you and my heart melts. It’s always been the same, you know that, you turn your big brown puppy dog eyes on me or else turn the fight into a comedy. Instead of being in fits of rage, I end up in fits of laughter. It feels like the shows over this time ’round though, the curtain has finally dropped and you’re not playing the part of the clown anymore. In fact, maybe, I don’t really know who you are. After all this time, maybe I don’t actually know the real you.
You haven’t exactly been Mr. Honest with me lately; but I am going to be square with you. To tell the absolute truth, half of me wants to go running after you, feel your arms around me again and have everything go back to ‘normal’. Well for a few months until the next big row! But the other half of me thinks, “Do I want that? After a few moments of happiness here and there, I’d have to just accept that the rows, the games, the hurt is all part of it, too?” No relationship is perfect, I know, and you have to take the rough with the smooth. But, the amount of ‘bad patches’ and second chances we have had … well, I don’t think I can count them all.
There is always that doubt. What if I leave and realize it’s all a big mistake? What if we break up and then I can’t cope without you? What if you’re meant to be the love of my life and I give up on you? What if I never find someone else? How can I live day to day without thinking of you? What if, what if, what if? How the heck am I meant to make the right decision here? Maybe there isn’t a RIGHT decision.
My mind is all over the place as I compose this. I really don’t know what I want. I don’t know my own thoughts and you are quickly becoming a stranger to me.
I hope you haven’t been unhappy all these years–it hasn’t been all that bad. You will always have a big part in my heart and my memories whatever happens. How could you not? Maybe it is time to move on, maybe we will both find happiness else where. If we don’t do it now, we will never know. We might never see each other again (what a strange thought); but it’s a risk we have to take, I suppose. Still, like I said, I still want you to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay. I’ve always been one for playing it safe, haven’t I?
There is so much more I want to say; but I don’t really know how. Why it has to be like this, I don’t know. Love is obviously NOT enough.
I really can’t believe this might be the final goodbye. 😥