I needed to talk…so that’s what I did…
I talked it out with two wonderful people who were gracious enough to hear me out. It took a no holds barred phone conversation to give me the perspective I needed in order for me to be more in tune with my inner thoughts and feelings. I needed to hear from people who are just outside looking in. True enough, I am missing out on a lot of things.
Tonight, I was made to see how I failed to see it from the other side of the fence. Everything that is happening has all been from my side. Everything has been all about what I’m thinking, seeing and feeling. I realized how I failed to make it about you as well. I failed to see your unspoken take on things. I failed to see that I have unknowingly and unintentionally made mistakes. And those realizations made me stop for a moment and take another look back at everything that’s been happening.
Maybe I’m really the one who has issues. Maybe I’m the one who has doubts. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t really want to get out of my comfort zone to make things happen. Maybe I’m really the one who has a lot of fears…so afraid to give it my very all again. Maybe I’m the one who’s not willing to give up or compromise on things.
And now, maybe I should really be the one to tell myself…”We’ll see…”
A different take on things that are happening…a take that made me think. But it never changed the way I feel about everything. It never changed the way I feel about you.
I used to love the rain. The sound of raindrops soothes me in more ways than one. But that was before when the rains would just be a signal for me to appreciate the end of hot summer days that make me sick. The rains have started to become reminders of how sad I can be.
Waking up to the sound of harsh raindrops falling everywhere, the events that transpired this week came back with a heavy heart.
As the rains fell, all I could think of was how cold you were. You never needed to say a word. Your actions gave you away. And no matter how hard you actually tried to make me feel otherwise, the efforts failed. You were physically with me but I saw and I felt how far away you were from me. This is not the you that I know.
As I gathered all the strength I could muster to ask you the questions I asked, I prepared myself for your answers. You negated yourself through your eyes and that’s when I knew that the words I heard were far from what you were feeling and thinking. It hurt and yet I couldn’t do anything about it.
As the rains stopped, I felt hopeful that maybe this is just a phase – something that we need to go through. I’ve been telling myself that there is a silver lining to all of this that’s happening. I am hopeful that there is still one. I am not going to give up something that is still beautiful.
And then the rain fell once more. Now all I could think of is how I miss seeing the spark that I used to feel and see from you. You are so near yet so far from away from me. It hurts to know and feel that way but it’s a truth I have to embrace…hopefully, just for now.
I miss the you that I know.
In between sips of coffee and reviewing the reports I received for the day, the sound of my phone vibrating caught my attention.
It was you.
Your phone call made a big difference in my day knowing that I crossed your mind for whatever reason and you thought of me that moment.
Once again, that felt surreal but nice after everything that happened.
However, I don’t want to expect. Less expectations, less disappointments.
But I guess hoping for the best isn’t really asking for too much.
On my way to work…
In between short breathers…
On my way home…
As I write this piece…and probably until sleep finds its way to me …
Crying fits that I hope would make it all better…
And with the hope that the cry baby won’t have to cry anymore…
I miss us…
Of all the nights I was looking forward to, I was caught in crawling traffic and I was late – circumstances that I definitely did not appreciate happening. Then I said to myself: “This is just okay…every minute towards where I’m going is all worth it…”
And of all the nights I was looking forward to, last night made me feel so lost and sad and I couldn’t even find the words to express how I felt with every word that was said. I so wanted to say a lot of things but I just couldn’t find the right words. This was a time that I opted to just shut up and listen.
The ground was laid…pre-conceived notions were already in place…how was I suppose to handle that? And this was something I did not even want and would ever even think about.
I took the route I wouldn’t normally take going home because I thought that the longer I was on the road, the more I’ll have the time to absorb whatever statements I heard and maybe, just maybe, I would feel better. Somehow I regretted it. Melancholy…that feeling I so hate, started to set in.
I re-read messages once again to make me feel better. Along the way, it validated what I was feeling. And then it hit me…things have already changed even before all of these happened.
Last night, I couldn’t even see the loving look that you had for me that I used to see. I knew right there and then that somewhere along the way, I already lost you. I have been feeling that at some point. I am just too afraid to face that fact.
Where did I go wrong? I can’t even tell. Or probably I just don’t want to admit that I screwed up. I’m not uncertain about myself and what I’m feeling. Knowing that you are scares me.
And that’s one of the worst feelings ever.
The walls of my favorite church provided comfort and solace just when I needed it the most. It has always been a good decision for me to vent in silence when I’m there. And then the tears just started to silently flow once again. In the end, I knew that I was just hurting and I knew I hurt someone who is dear to me. The nagging feeling I had was not of anger and disappointment but it was more of guilt for being selfish, insensitive and thoughtless. I left the church feeling much better afterwards. But I knew I was still distracted at some point.
I had the urge to pick up the phone to call or send a message before heading home. I decided otherwise. He probably needed the time away from me. A phone call or a message may just make matters worse and that would just make me more distracted than ever.
It was weird how the events of that night when I first had coffee with him flashed back during the drive home. What I thought would be just a mere new acquaintance turned out to be one wrapped in the guise of a love that I thought I wouldn’t find. It felt good going back to that day and the days that followed after. Maybe it was God’s way of telling me to look back and see the reasons why I have this person in my life, why I love him, why I am proud to be with him. Maybe it was His way of telling me to hold on to these beautiful reasons that made me smile and love again. And then there was that silly smile on my face as I parked my car. Distracted? Not that much anymore.
Just as after I settled myself in my own little nook, I pulled my phone out of my bag. And then, there they were – 3 messages from him.
I found comfort talking to God about my misgivings. It made me feel better and more at peace. And I found comfort knowing that you are still there.
I deliberately tried to erase that memory of not seeing you drive away because I knew once again that I screwed up big time. It was a ghastly feeling. Something that made me cry myself to sleep shortly afterwards.
As my last ditch effort to fix things failed, I just realized I couldn’t even talk about it with people I would usually run to so I could vent and feel better. Shutting myself out from the world was a better thing to do at this point. Moreso, I felt better to bask in solitude for now.
I woke up this afternoon with a heavy heart after the events of the weekend unfolded. And as what I usually do to make me feel better, I went on to read back messages from my phone to make me remember all the good things about what I’m holding on to. Something I’ve been doing whenever I want to assure myself that everything will be okay. Something that gives me all the reasons to continue holding on to one that is still beautiful despite the ugly things that are happening.
As I rolled on the bed to grab comfort from my favorite pillow, I saw something that gave me a reason to hope for the best. I will not expect the worst because I feel that this is worth fighting for. You are worth it. Deep inside, I am wishing that you feel the same way.
As I remember images of you and that thing in between cherished moments, though still with a heavy heart, I felt and saw hope that things will get better.
Funny, but yeah, that inhaler gave me a smile on my face.