The Wait

After two days of staying in and recuperating from a bad case of flu and relapse, I went out to see my doctor for a follow-up and had Victoria registered the last minute.  I have never appreciated the payday weekend traffic better than today.  I don’t know why but I did.

Caught up with an old friend over dinner.  As always, this friend of mine never fails to give me a different perspective on things.  That was a breath of fresh air that I probably needed.  But then again after that, the drive home kinda got pretty hard on me.  I realized that this was not my usual Friday.  How I wished it was our usual Friday.

As the day comes to another end, I find myself back to where I was days ago.  And all I can do is wait for tomorrow to come.

 

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Wake Up Call

As I reached for the alarm this morning, I knew that this was going to be another day of thinking, waiting and hoping.  Given that I am still victim to the flu, I knew that I will have another long day ahead of me.

It has been four days since it all happened.  Then again, the exhange of words replayed in my mind over and over again.  I knew it was just a major spat.  Something that we can still work on.  But how come I haven’t heard a word from you?

Maybe we both took the situation differently.  I really don’t know and I really can’t say.

We were both given the time and space to think things over.  I just hope that one day soon, we will be able to talk.  I pray for that every single time I have the chance to do so.

And as the alarm went off, I just realized even more how much I miss doing wake up calls for you.  I miss us.

Something Missing

The wake up calls I used to do…

Those exchange of messages during random times of the day…

The “good nights” and “I love you’s”…

The kisses and the hugs…

Our usual mid-week coffee night…

It’s never easy giving someone the time off that one probably needs…and I just wish this is just a time off…

I will never get tired of saying sorry for having hurt you.

And I can only wish that we could talk.  That’s all I really want for now.

And I have to admit, I am missing us.

The Long Day

Today seemed to be the longest drive of my life.  I was feverish and spent almost two hours in morning traffic…and that was also almost two hours of non-stop crying.

My face was all messed up as I looked in the mirror to check on myself.  Clearly, I was out of it.

I looked very pale and sick.  I was asked to go home and rest.  But I didn’t.  Never mind that I was running a high-grade fever.  I needed to be productive.

I was but it wasn’t my usual.  Finished what I needed to finish though.  Not bad – not bad at all.  Or so I thought.

As I drove home after what seemed to be a very long day at work, I was back to where it all started.

The long drive home and the tears – I guess they’re inseparable for now.

And I knew that the “can’t eat,” “can’t think straight,” “can’t sleep” shit was literally written all over me today.

For When You Think That No One Will Love You

Another very good read from Chelsea Fagan. She just hit a lot of things head on.

Thought Catalog

You can never quite remember the actual moments when someone says that they love you for the first time. You wait for it so long, practice how you will respond, prevent yourself from saying it before them (you wouldn’t want to look desperate), and then it happens, and it’s like you go temporarily deaf. There is a ringing, like a TV show that has cut off to go to an emergency announcement. This is an emergency announcement. And you can’t even hear it. It’s almost like your brain doesn’t want to process these words, because then you’d have to acknowledge them, and not just in your imagination.

Besides, everyone who has ever said that to you before has left, so you might as well not even listen.

“I love you” will mean nights staying up watching someone sleep next to you, wondering why they haven’t left you already, wondering when…

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Morning Thoughts

For what I thought was already eight hours of sleep turned out only to be four.  Despite popping my migraine pill to lull me into a deep sleep that I needed, it didn’t work its wonders this time.  Probably, my subconscious is way too strong for it.  I had to be up.  I had to get moving towards another day.

I had a crying fit this morning.  But it was because again, probably, I am still exhausted.  Add to that the fact that the guilty feelings have started to take over and I knew I hurt someone.  I am a bit feverish again as I write.  This is probably psychosomatic.  It can still be otherwise as I know that my body’s just about to give up on me again.  The hot cup of coffee I’m having isn’t doing anything to perk me up or at least make me feel a bit better than yesterday.

As I look back on what happened this weekend, I can only wish, hope and wait.  How I wish it’s just that easy to walk away like other people claim.   I know myself too well that I can’t do that in an instant.  I am not going to pass on all the chances to prove otherwise, only because you are worth it.  I am hoping that after the emotions have settled, things can still be talked over.  And I can only wait for that time to happen.  I am hopeful that it will happen.