25 Days Before Christmas

I’m pretty sure most people are excited that Christmas is just around the corner.  As they say, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”

The past Christmases haven’t been very good to me in general.  These were specific Christmases that I’d rather forget.  But of course, knowing myself, they won’t be forgotten.

I don’t want to sound like a grinch nor a party pooper.  Everyone’s in a festive mood.  Bonuses and 13th month pays have already been given out and everyone’s just doing their best to complete their Christmas shopping list.  Mine was done last September and I’ll probably have to do some major changes the last minute.  I still enjoy shopping for Christmas presents.  I love receiving Christmas gifts.  It reminds me that there’s always something to look forward to in giving and receiving.

If there’s one wish I would like to be granted for this year’s Christmas, it’s only to be with the people closest to my heart because I’ll never know whether there will be another Christmas for me.

Walking Away

I have been taking a respite from the corporate world for the past 3 weeks and I have welcomed it with an open heart and mind.

After going through the pile of bull that the corporate world has given me the past couple of months, I comfortably walked away without hesitation and more than anything else, without regret.

Since then, what happened has got me thinking of where would I go next, what my concrete and time-laden plans would be.  There are so many things running in my mind right now about it, so many things I want to accomplish and do within the next 2 years. However, until now, they remain to be on the drawing board for reasons I don’t even know.

The past days have been beneficial to me in terms of catching up on sleep, doing the things I haven’t done for the longest time, playing a little bit of catching up on my pended personal paperwork and there’s a whole lot more I could list down since I walked away from the hustle and bustle of a 72- to 84-hour work week .  So, was walking away worth it?

There were so many things in my life that happened that prompted me to walk away and never look back.  Walking away when I felt like and have very valid reasons for doing so have somehow helped me become the person that I am right now.  I read somewhere that “oftentimes, walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.”  And I do believe that yeah, somehow, when I walked away, it was only because I have realized that I’m priceless, that I don’t deserve the crap I’ve been getting.  No amount of money nor fame can pay my worth.

I’m in between jobs, I’m bordering on being broke, I have in my hands some recent medical findings that I’m still shocked about, I’m laden with family issues that have been there for years, there are personal issues bugging me at the moment, and I have plans on the drawing board that haven’t moved an inch.  Shitty situation?  Your guess is as good as mine.

But I’m not walking away this time.  It’s not an option for now.  Not just yet.

Distraught

When I was faced with the issue currently making me feel all distraught and sad, I couldn’t help but wonder: “Where should I begin seeking the answers I need?”

I have spoken to some very, very close guy friends of mine and I have concluded that I will not zero in on the issue.  Instead, I will have to start from another angle where I could probably connect the dots and then start from there.

It pains me to know that I am in this sort of a dilemma.  It will never be easy.  It is never easy when the issue is something very sensitive.  Something that never even crossed my mind that I will be thinking about.

And I wish the day would end soon – for tomorrow’s another one I’ll need to face until everything gets cleared and I already know the answer.

Prayer for Enlightenment

After seeing a very good friend of mine for a talk that I badly needed, I couldn’t help but find a prayer that would at least end my day on a lighter note.

I need to be enlightened and I need guidance.  And I know that I can only get it from You who’s up there, watching over me.

And while searching for the perfect words of prayer to express whatever I’m feeling right now, this was what I found:

I am so thankful that You know me, and see my heart.
You know how I am feeling today, even when words fail me.
You see my struggling heart that feels like it’s sinking under the weight of discouragement.
As despair tries to pull me over the edge, I lift my hands to You and grab onto Your anchor of hope.
Please help me to be like Paul, the Apostle, who was never discouraged.
You know my intimate thoughts before I do, and hold my future In Your hands.
I am in need of Your comfort.
Help me to place my trust in You, when I feel overwhelmed.
Please help me to rise above the things that seek to bring me down and damage me.
Please carry me, where I am vulnerable and at my weakest point.
Please strengthen me, to look beyond my temporary circumstances.
I want to look to You through the rain and the storms.
Please shield me from the fiery arrows that seek to separate me from You.
May darkness flee and hope always be near my side.
You are my Light, my Salvation, and Victory.
Even though I can’t see my way through the fog, please highlight the way into Your arms.
I approach Your throne of grace, knowing my prayers for help will be heard and answered.
I search for You through my pain, and wait on You as my Rescuer.
I praise You; for You are gracious, and full of unfailing love.
Thank You that You are always there for me.
Please encourage my heart and spirit with Your truth.
Help me to stand on Your firm foundation and persevere in Your Joy.
May praise for You, be constantly be on my lips
May my heart be full of thankfulness.
May my life be an act of worship to You.
Help me keep my focus on You alone, and not lose heart
Please deliver me from my problems and teach me Your ways.
Please guide and protect me, each step of the way.
When I feel faint, please restore and refresh me in Your presence.
Please pick me up off the dusty floor and lift my head,
Remind me that I belong to You, and that You are my Hope and fortress.
In Jesus name,
Amen.

And tomorrow’s another day…

The Reunion

There were not much of us last night.  In fact, there were only four of us who made it to the sports bar where one of our classmates is currently working.  I was the only rose among the thorns but definitely, I was one of the boys.

The night progressed as the catching up stories just poured in.  And as much as I wanted to join them over beer, I was disciplined enough not to drink and drive.  My stomach was still feeling pretty bad and I can’t afford to have another trip to the hospital just because of that.  It wasn’t going to make me a party-pooper for not drinking while the rest were doing so.

The exchanges were from serious to funny and then back.  I don’t even know how I was able to even stomach men’s humor.  I guess I could attribute that growing up around my Dad and his buddies.  If other women were there, they would just probably feel sick and would just like to go home.

All throughout the time I was there, listening and even jumping in on certain exchanges, a lot of thoughts were racing fast enough for me that I could hardly breathe. The insinuations were just unacceptable that until such time I went home, I couldn’t even stop thinking about it and only God knows when it would stop.

It was a good reunion of sorts and already, a bigger one is in the works.  That’s a nice idea.  However, I shouldn’t have gone to this one if only I knew that my mind would be riddled and my emotions shaken to the very core.  This time, I regret having done so.

The DQ Boy

DS just loves DQ!  And as a reward for being a very good patient this week and after being given a better bill of health by his pediatrician, he got this sweet treat from Mommy.

I’m glad you’re all right now.  Mommy feels great knowing that you are now feeling better.

I love you, Sweetheart!