For several days, you have been dropping hints about today and I never really bothered. Not that I didn’t care but I wanted to see how you have been anticipating today. Today was also something I was looking forward to and have been thinking about for the longest time. After 12 months of the ups and downs, today’s very special. We made it to our first year. Isn’t that really special and important?
I’ve received from you one of the most beautiful bouquets I’ve received in my entire living life and a piece of music that you know that I like. And for the first time, you were not late. That was really something for me.
Hearing the words that came out of your tactless and insensitive mouth, I wanted to be swallowed whole and alive by the ground where I was standing. I couldn’t even speak. I was enveloped by hurt right that very moment when you said that you didn’t really like gifts like that and you were just going to keep it. I understand that you tend to lose things but for you to tell me straight to my face what you were going to do and you really looked disappointed with what I’ve given you, I was just really hurt. I was not expecting that kind of reaction from you.
I just don’t understand how you could be so tactless and so insensitive. I was really caught off guard and even felt embarrassed. It was just bad that you did not like it. I just wished you were kind enough not to have plastered your feelings and thoughts straight up to my face. You really didn’t need to do that.
You just don’t know how much I anticipated to see you at 8pm for what could be like a celebration of our first year together. All I wanted was your undivided attention. However, I do understand how frustrating it must be to be in a situation you were not expecting in the first place. Seriously, I do. But you were distant. You were cold. You were with me but your mind was wandering somewhere else. That was really painful to see and feel.
How I wish you could’ve set that aside even for just a couple of hours. I really felt that no matter how much I tried to make light of your situation, you wouldn’t let me. You’ve shut me out again, on our special day.
As much as I didn’t want to, it became inevitable to just bring myself to a state of self-imposed deafening silence. And I did. There was nothing I could do anyway. No amount of happy thoughts and the essence of today being our special day could bring you to focus on that rather than the problem you were having at your hands. A very small problem that could be resolved anyway. I pushed myself not to cry in front of you. I don’t want you to see me crying.
And as I cried my heart out in the silence of my room, I allowed myself to wallow in the thought of the beautiful flowers and music that you gave me. I thought about the question that you threw back at me on what we were going to do tonight which was clearly an indication that you didn’t have anything in mind that would make this day more memorable and special, that you were more into your problem than you are with me. It was one question that I wanted to so answer but I preferred not to so as not to turn the disappointment into frustration. Seeing you, the flowers and the CD were the only good things that happened tonight. They would be my only good memories of what was our first anniversary.
No matter how hurt and disappointed I am right now, I can’t bring myself to hate you for the things that you do to me. I just can’t.
The words I’ve written on the greeting card, I hope they will be crossing your thoughts every once in a while when you have the time. I meant every word like I always do.
Happy first anniversary! I love you…