Tomorrow’s Another Day

I had a very long to-do list today with a 20% spill over from yesterday.  My aim was to wipe out that list so I could start fresh tomorrow.  It was not an easy task to do given that I’m still in the usual turnover and learning process.

I kept away all my phones so as not to distract me from clearing up my desk and another one that’s not mine of all the paper work and files I received yesterday.  I must admit that I was fired up with the hope to receive something that could probably make light of the situation I’m in.  However, I just have to focus as I vowed that this would be my word for the day.  It was mandatory for me to shift my attention to the work I needed to do.

And so I did.  Time flies when you know that you have a lot to do and 8 hours just don’t seem enough at all.

And then the conversation with an acquaintance happened.  This person reminded me so much of a very good friend who never fails to knock some sense into my head when I’m out of it.  It was refreshing to hear this person’s perspective on certain things.  And then I thought, “Wow! This person’s just an acquaintance yet one who knows what to say to me.”  And then I thanked this person for the good distraction.  This person deserved my gratitude.

As I drove home from another long day at work, my thoughts got centered on the conversation that happened with this person before the day ended.  It was refreshing to hear something really nice after another long day.  Somehow, I felt better.

And so, I did wipe out my to-do list.  I am going to start fresh tomorrow.  Tomorrow’s another day.  One step at a time.  And I’m ending my day with a prayer that things will be better soon.

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Channeling Energy

I channeled my loneliness into something productive.  The cleaning lady was here so I took on the chance to clean up my humble home that has been neglected for quite some time.  General cleaning, in other words.

We cleaned every nook and corner that was dirty.  Rearranged some stuff.  For a moment there I forgot what it was that I should be thinking about.  After crying my heart out last night, it was more cathartic to feel the sweat bathing my entire body.  It felt like all the negative energy just flowed out of me.  It felt good.

No matter how hard I tried not to think about what happened last night, the feelings were still there.  I am still hurting.  I also tried to think from your perspective.  I thought of every possibility I could get from what happened.  Call me selfish but no matter how hard I tried to understand it from your end, my thoughts and feelings were centered on what I was feeling.  I think it was time to feel a little bit selfish after what happened.

I don’t know if I expected too much.  I don’t think I did.  All I wanted was to feel appreciated and feel that yesterday was also important for you.  That was just probably my only expectation.  And I was disappointed.

And as I decide to end my week by writing down these thoughts, I know I should shift my focus to other things, at least for now.  This will keep me sane and “normal” even for just a short while.  These things and people also deserve my undivided attention.  For now, probably it’s better to just give myself and you the space we need to breathe from all this and give ourselves time to think about the realizations about us.

I am hoping and praying that my silence will make you think of what you really want from me.  And I am also preparing myself for the worst thing that can happen.   Maybe you’ll know whether you really love me or not anymore.  By the time I am able to bring myself out of my self-imposed silence, maybe you’ll also realize that I am still important in your life.  That you still love me no matter what.  That I matter to you.  

All I can say for now is that I can assure you that you matter and I love you.

“Un”happy Anniversary

For several days, you have been dropping hints about today and I never really bothered.  Not that I didn’t care but I wanted to see how you have been anticipating today.  Today was also something I was looking forward to and have been thinking about for the longest time.  After 12 months of the ups and downs, today’s very special.  We made it to our first year.  Isn’t that really special and important?

I’ve received from you one of the most beautiful bouquets I’ve received in my entire living life and a piece of music that you know that I like.  And for the first time, you were not late.  That was really something for me.

Hearing the words that came out of your tactless and insensitive mouth, I wanted to be swallowed whole and alive by the ground where I was standing.  I couldn’t even speak.  I was enveloped by hurt right that very moment when you said that you didn’t really like gifts like that and you were just going to keep it.  I understand that you tend to lose things but for you to tell me straight to my face what you were going to do and you really looked disappointed with what I’ve given you, I was just really hurt.  I was not expecting that kind of reaction from you.

I just don’t understand how you could be so tactless and so insensitive.  I was really caught off guard and even felt embarrassed.  It was just bad that you did not like it.  I just wished you were kind enough not to have plastered your feelings and thoughts straight up to my face.  You really didn’t need to do that.

You just don’t know how much I anticipated to see you at 8pm for what could be like a celebration of our first year together.  All I wanted was your undivided attention.  However, I do understand how frustrating it must be to be in a situation you were not expecting in the first place.  Seriously, I do.  But you were distant.  You were cold.  You were with me but your mind was wandering somewhere else.   That was really painful to see and feel.

How I wish you could’ve set that aside even for just a couple of hours.  I really felt that no matter how much I tried to make light of your situation, you wouldn’t let me.  You’ve shut me out again, on our special day.

As much as I didn’t want to, it became inevitable to just bring myself to a state of self-imposed deafening silence.  And I did.  There was nothing I could do anyway.  No amount of happy thoughts and the essence of today being our special day could bring you to focus on that rather than the problem you were having at your hands.  A very small problem that could be resolved anyway.  I pushed myself not to cry in front of you.  I don’t want you to see me crying.

And as I cried my heart out in the silence of my room, I allowed myself to wallow in the thought of the beautiful flowers and music that you gave me.  I thought about the question that you threw back at me on what we were going to do tonight which was clearly an indication that you didn’t have anything in mind that would make this day more memorable and special, that you were more into your problem than you are with me.  It was one question that I wanted to so answer but I preferred not to so as not to turn the disappointment into frustration.  Seeing you, the flowers and the CD were the only good things that happened tonight.  They would be my only good memories of what was our first anniversary.

No matter how hurt and disappointed I am right now, I can’t bring myself to hate you for the things that you do to me.  I just can’t.

The words I’ve written on the greeting card, I hope they will be crossing your thoughts every once in a while when you have the time.  I meant every word like I always do.

Happy first anniversary! I love you…