The first day of my 4-day Labor Day weekend.
Another 6-week therapy needed and one more consult on Saturday. And I was hoping I’m better than how I used to be after the surgery. My knee may be weak, but my heart is definitely weaker at this point.
After a very long while, I gathered my guts to watch a movie again…on my own this time. I am not used to doing it anymore. It was always with him. We bonded over movies. It’s difficult to be doing things again on my own. But I did it. Only, I felt more alone.
Funny that my Timehop showed a timeline of how we were in the past. It was nice reading through it, but it made me feel more alone than ever.
Just like the song goes, “there’s always something there to remind me” of him. It’s something I really have to deal with in reality.
I still couldn’t get over the fact that we “talked.” Big deal? Yeah, I guess it was.
Time will come when it won’t be a big deal anymore.
As to when that would be, only time can tell.
Today, I just had the sense of urgency to deliver the rest of his stuff that we were waiting for the past couple of months. I felt excited knowing that his stuff has arrived. I was struggling as to whether to hand it to him personally or just have his niece do it for me. I chose the latter. It was better that way. I did not want him to think that it was my way of reaching out to him. I did not want him to think that I am just going to make an excuse to see him. It was not proper anymore, anyway.
And then that SMS came in. It was something I was not expecting. I felt conflicting emotions but leaning more towards feeling annoyed that he still has to get in touch with me. He should have just kept quiet. Anyway, it was his stuff. I have even resigned myself to the fact that he will not in any way acknowledge it.
I’d like to think he deleted my primary number. He sent the message to my less-used number. For whatever reason he has, I am not going to question that anymore.
How I wish the SMS did not happen. It made me miss him.
It was difficult to start the week. But this I welcome because it would mean the hours would pass by quickly. And it did.
Crying fits in between work and as I write this note.
Another day has passed and I can only tell myself: “This will soon pass.”
Today, I missed Church. But I dedicated an hour of prayer for a lot of things.
Suffice it to say, I lifted everything to Him.
I prayed for his father to recover quickly from his eye operation on Tuesday. I prayed that I will be able to heal soon from my surgery. I prayed for my parents’ better health and disposition.
I prayed for Him to allow me to get mad at him for hurting me this much. I prayed for Him to help me unlove him. I am too weak to get angry and I know I will never be.
Truth is and admittedly, I still love him.
As I drove to the places we used to go to, a lot of the hurt and the pain went back. Driving with tears in my eyes has been a daily fare. It has been a habit for the past week. It was my only way to try and seek comfort from what I am feeling inside – still devastated and in denial that it is all over.
There were a lot of beautiful and not-so-beautiful things that happened in the places I went to tonight. They all came back. It was not a good feeling, not even cathartic. I can only wish that that time will come when I will go back to these places and would not feel regret and pain anymore. They are beautiful memories. They will always be.
How I wish there would still be another opportunity for us to talk. Another opportunity to feel the pain. And maybe the opportunity for me will open to heal at the soonest time.
So it’s been a week. 14 more days. I have to get used to the reality of not being with him anymore in 21 days. It’s a hard habit to break. I don’t even think it will just take 21 days like I used to say.
I still have not accepted the fact that it’s over. Somewhere deep inside my heart and mind, I still have that tiny spark of hope that we can still work things out.
Note to self: Reality check!!! It’s over! We parted ways without him saying anything that should make me feel there’s still hope. No apologies nor remorse even. Just a silent goodbye.
Deal with it!
I woke up feeling like I did not want to wake up anymore. But I have to.
I deserve to get some TLC from therapy. It had to be done so I will be well. If only my physiotherapist could also give me a therapy program for my broken heart, that would be nice to have, even if I have to pay for it.
But for now, only I can deal with this. No other person can help me except myself. It will be done – somehow, someday.
Yes, it’s been five days. Five gruelling days of thinking and feeling. I know it’s never going to be easy. Who said it would be?
Time passed quickly. Work as a distraction was truly effective. But at the end of the day, I can only think about it again and again. No amount of feel-good music can actually make me not cry. I just had to give in. I do not want to hold back the tears. I want it to flow. I need it to flow. Crying will always be helpful.
Until I fall asleep.
I know that things happen for a reason. It is hard to accept but sometimes you just really, really have to.
Once again, I read back his messages. Until now, those words still haunt me. I know I’m being too hard on myself but only because I don’t want to feel the pain anymore. And probably I can only do that when I am already numb. Probably only pain can take away the pain I’m feeling at the moment.