Another Sleepless Night

Puffin’ my second stick in the basement, I try to make sense of some things that have been running in my head past couple of weeks.

This place has turned me into a zombie. I have had countless of sleepless nights all throughout the months I’ve been here. I am kept company by the music on my phone, cups of coffee or anything liquid I have on hand, my cigarettes, occasional browsing through social media sites – things that probably have contributed to my waking hours instead of sleeping through the night.

Excited that I am finally going home? Elated at the fact that I am finally leaving this place for good? I don’t know.

What I know is that I am senseless at the moment. In a few hours I will be back home. I will be busy catching up with the things I left behind. I’ll probably have more sleepless nights but at least I will be home.

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Limang Taon

Limang taon ka na pala parte ng buhay ko. Limang taon! Akalain mo!

Halos tatlong taon ng limang taon na yan, 2 years and 8 months to be exact, official na naging tayo.

Pagkatapos ng 2 taon at 8 buwan pinilit at sinubukan kong umabot sa moved-on-from-a-failed-relationship stage. Andyan na nagtrabaho ako kahit Pasko, binalikan ko ang mga lugar na pinupuntahan natin dati with the hopes that I could desensitize myself from everything that was you.

Ilang beses ko tinanong ang sarili ko kung bakit ganon lang naging kadali para sa ‘yo ang itapon ang lahat. Hindi ko nakuha ang sagot. Hindi mo ‘ko binigyan ng sagot. Kaya sinimulan kong gawin yung mga bagay na mala-That Thing Called Tadhana sa pagbabaka-sakaling makalimot agad. Nagpagupit ako ng buhok to signify the start of a new life for me without you. Andyan na nag-post about positive things to cheer me up at patungkol sa failed love that kinda gave away the true status of my life during those times. Naglakbay din ako sa kung saan-saan with the hope that by traveling, I could eventually leave behind all the pain and bad memories of us. Nakarating nga ako ng Batanes mag-isa at inabot ng bagyong Lawin na signal number 5 ng mga panahong yun. Naisip ko nga na sana tinangay na lang ako kasi dapat trip nating 2 yun e. Nakaiyak ako nang bongga sa rolling hills at sa Mt. Carmel – isang bagay na halos isang taon bago ko nagawa matapos ang saga natin.

In between those times that I was nursing a broken heart, nagtataka naman din ako kung bakit pasulpot-sulpot ka. May tawag at text na bilang na bilang sa mga daliri ko. Nangumusta, may kailangan ayusin, Pasko – mga pagkakataong nangyari kaya nahirapan ako maka-move on. Ginawa ko kasi ang lahat para harapin ang closure na hindi mo binigay sa ‘kin kahit anong justification ko na deserve ko yun. Kaya naisip ko na baka sa sitwasyon natin, yung sinasabi nila na not having closure is probably the closure I was looking for holds true.

1 taon at 3 buwan matapos mangyari ang mga ganap, para kang aparisyon na nagkatawang-tao. Nabuhay ka na naman sa totoong buhay ko. At kahit ako yung tipo ng tao na hindi pinababalik ang mga taong nawala na sa buhay ko, sa hindi ko maintindihang rason, pinayagan kita na makabalik sa buhay ko in an undefined manner. A first in my 42 years of existence in this world.

Fast forward sa araw na ‘to, isang taon mula nang mangyari ang “pagbabalik” mo, eto ako, mag-isa ulit – pero exactly on the same date na dapat sana 5th anniversary natin.

Ayoko na sana umabot ulit ang araw na ‘to na hindi ko alam kung ano ba talaga tayo. Baka kasi ako lang talaga ang nag-iisip at nakakaramdam na may something pa rin sa ating dalawa. Hindi pa kasi ako nagtanong. Hinayaan ko pang lumipas ang isang taon na ang dami na naman nating pinagdaanan pero ako na-stuck ako sa kung anuman yun. Nung gabing sinabi mo sa ‘kin na hindi ako maka-move on dahil mahal pa kita at sinabi mong madali namang sabihing mahal mo ‘ko pero may takot ka na baka maulit lang lahat, dapat pala kinlaro ko na. E kaso nga hinayaan natin na dalhin tayo ng pagkakataon kung saan nya tayo dadalhin kahit walang malinaw na direksyon. Kaya eto tayo ngayon. Ginusto ko rin kasi. Hindi ko lang alam kung ginusto mo rin ito. Ang alam ko lang, yung mga sandaling magkasama tayo, hindi man halata at kahit maraming tanong ang tumatakbo sa utak ko, masaya ako. Andyan ka na kasi ulit kahit alam kong malamang magkaiba ang tingin natin sa situation natin.

Aaminin ko, takot ako sa mga isasagot mo sa mga tanong ko. Ang hirap kasi e. I think I will never be prepared for whatever your answers would be. Kaya I only have myself to blame sa kung anuman ang pinagdadaanan ko ngayon at sa mga darating pang pagkakataon.

Siguro nga kailangan na natin mag-usap pagbalik ko. Sana magkaroon na ‘ko ng lakas ng loob na kausapin ka to finally define what we have at the moment. At kung sakaling hindi tayo magkasundo sa gusto nating mangyari sa ‘ting dalawa, pipilitin ko na lang na to finally marating ang daan patungo sa tinatawag nilang moved-on-and-finally-moving-forward-from-you stage. Hindi ko kaya na magiging kaibigan lang kita kung sakaling yun lang ang gusto mo. Masyadong masakit yun para sa ‘kin. Posible yun pero hindi ngayon.

Basta sa ngayon, ang alam ko lang, sapat na yung paminsan-minsan na nakakausap at nakikita kita. Ewan ko talaga kung ano’ng meron ka na hindi ko nakita sa iba. Kahit para kang nanay ko na sobrang hirap ispelengin at nakakawindang, ikaw pa rin talaga ang nagpapangiti at nagpapakilig sa ‘kin. ‘Pag tinanong ako kung mahal pa kita, hindi ko na dapat sagutin pa yan. Medyo obvious na siguro ang sagot. Basta ang hirap din kasi i-explain coming from someone who’s been tagged as the smartest dumb person known to mankind when it comes to affairs of the heart. Pinatayuan na raw ako ng bantayog sa tabi ni Rizal.

Sa limang taon na yan, kahit na naghiwalay tayo ng landas at nasa undefined zone sa ngayon, ang alam ko lang at ang confirmed, andito ka lang – sa isip at puso ko.

Bawal sa migraine ko ang sumakay sa roller coaster pero ito ang isa sa pinakamatinding roller coaster na nasakyan ko at mukhang nabuhay pa naman ako. Nagpapasalamat pa rin ako sa 5 taon na roller coaster ride with you. Andyan ka man o wala. Ang love story natin ang isa sa pinakamagandang kwento ng buhay ko na gusto kong marinig ng mga magiging apo ko pagdating ng panahon.

So happy 5 years to us…and counting…in my dreams and thoughts…

To The One Who Broke Tradition

Thank you for greeting me on Valentine’s Day. It was unexpected – especially coming from you. It was the one SMS that boldly broke my personal tradition of treating it as just an ordinary day. Family and friends know that I hate the day. I have to say that I shrugged it off after greeting you back. I have a normal day to deal with.

Lying on my bed, analyzing what happened to my day before finally calling it as done and over with, memories of our only legitimately Happy Valentine’s Day crossed my mind. Those bunch of red roses and music albums that made my heart skip a beat and made me smile the whole time – they’re all still fresh as if it happened only yesterday. I can’t believe that it’s been 4 Valentine’s ago.

I am still in the process of picking up the broken pieces of us since then. You and the rest of the men that I loved in my lifetime made me make Valentine’s Day something I shouldn’t be looking forward to. It’s a highly-commercialized event that don’t even deserve a minute of my time to be thinking about.

They say that every day should be Valentine’s Day, just like Christmas. True love doesn’t have to have special dates or occasions. True love transcends time. I hold on to those.

Setting aside my real thoughts about today, I’d like to thank you for breaking tradition – for bravely sending that message – which I hope was from the heart. It made me think that you actually thought of me. Maybe I do matter to you. It may be the only text that you sent to someone to remind you of the “celebration” today. Or maybe I’m part of a group text. I don’t know. I don’t want to assume. You are the only person who can answer that.

Thank you for breaking tradition. I am glad I crossed your mind today for whatever reason there is. Your message was the only good thing that happened today. And for that, I will be ending today, with a grateful heart to you, for making me smile.

Same Time Last Year

It was exactly a year ago when I wrote something that led me to another year with you.

For whatever reason you had to have the guts to talk to me after what happened, I can only assume. Probably you just wanted to get rid of the guilt you have over what happened between us. But I’d like to think that it’s far from reality that you came back because you wanted to make things right this time.

Fast forward to today, we’ve already had our fair share of what it’s like to be “together” again. Defining whatever we have right now is still far from happening. Countless of times I was already on the verge of asking. But I have great fear of your possible answers.

For now, I’ll let it be. Let time and fate lead me to the answers I’m looking for.

Because I’m a coward. I’m too afraid of the unthinkable. I’m too scared to go back to square one…to start all over again…to finally move on…possibly without you.

Another Goodbye

As much as I wanted to see you tonight before I leave, I opted not to.

Although it’s not a permanent goodbye but more of an I’ll see you soon, it just breaks my heart that I won’t be seeing you again for some time.

I know we don’t feel the same way about it. You’ll go by your usual days. For I am just a random thought for you.

Just the same, I’ll have to get by. I will get by the randomness of the so-called me for you.

Still Grateful

My dog and I are still traumatized by what happened. We are getting by though.

Looking back at what happened, I can only be grateful that we were not harmed. I have faith that the police will find the culprits. Put them behind bars or probably they might get killed along the way. Either way, I just wouldn’t want other people to go through the ordeal that we had.

Thank you to my friends who are making sure that we’re okay and for extending all the help they could give me in all forms.

There will always be something good that would come about after what we went through. I am hopeful and positively thinking of that.

Failed Security

My house was ransacked by robbers last night. Luckily, my dog was left unscathed and so was I.

Just when you think you’re already safe in your own home after that heartbreaking first break-in 2.5 years ago, you realize you are still not.

They have gotten everything I’ve worked for the past 2.5 years and I couldn’t even cry. I felt so numb that all I did was to stare into blank space.

I will have to start somewhere. But for now, let me wallow in my fear and in my desperation to get back everything that I lost – the things would go in second. I am talking about my work.