Birthday Month

Oh how time flies! It’s already my birthday month and the start of the last quarter of the year.

I do have plans for my birthday. I want to celebrate it under the radar. Maybe just by myself or with some chosen people that I want to spend it with.

The moment I hit 30, all I wanted was to give back every year as I know I have been blessed with more than what I deserve. I didn’t get to do that until I turned 40.

And it has been that way ever since. Times may be hard on several occasions but it didn’t stop me from planning out something that’s meant to celebrate the day differently. Life has given me so much more after that because I always do what I can to pay forward and share whatever blessings I received from the year that was.

This year, I’ve been hit with a number of challenges and hardships. And I learned that despite these, I can only be grateful because, hopefully, I’ll be reaching another year of this thing called life.

So, I welcome my birth month with open arms. It’s a celebration that I always look forward to despite life being tough because I am tougher. Life loves me but I love life even more. And I will always be grateful for what I have – birthday or not.

Bring on the curve balls. I will face them with balloons and cake on the side.

Goodbye, September! Welcome, October!!!

A Realization

6 years ago, I met this guy from a well-known family in the political scene. We dated a couple of times and then faded away from each other just like that.

Though we’ve reconnected over social media a few years after that, neither of us attempted to start a conversation. And then just recently, I received a series of “Hellos” and “How are you’s?” from him.

The above just once again proved why certain people just pass by your life to leave memories and teach you a lesson or two.

Thank you for the good memories from 6 years ago.

Thank you for asking me what happened to us even though there never was an us to begin with (emphasis on never because it was that).

Thank you for thinking that we should have worked it out, though, again, there was never an us (to borrow a line from a movie, which I literally told him).

Thank you for making me feel great about the reason why it didn’t work out between us.

Thank you for showing me that everything that I have right now, though it may not the best, I’m really better with, without you.

Something From The Heart

If there’s one thing I have always meant to tell you, it is that I love you. I’ve always had and always will. Hindi naman nawala yun. No need for you to answer that. Nasagot mo na rin yun kagabi. Gusto ko lang na malaman mo kasi ayokong ma-regret na hindi ko nasabi. Hindi rin kasi natin masabi kung ano’ng meron bukas. At least nasabi ko na. Hindi ko man nasabi, sana nakita at naramdaman mo yun. I still don’t know the reason why you had to come back but it all the more validated what I have for you. I’m happy that it happened. Sorry if I’ve brought out the worst in you even though your worst is one of the things I’ve accepted and loved about you. Someday soon, I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive the bad things that you think I did to you. I am sorry for hurting you. But I will never be sorry for loving you.

Strong…Alone

There are really times when you have to face everything alone – mo matter how many friends and family you have. You’ll have to cry alone. Drown yourself in sorrow and grief alone. To heal by yourself. Not that you are disregarding them. It’s just that not all the time they will be there to even hear you out and, more so, to listen and grieve with you. Sometimes, no amount of deep camaraderie can replace the fact that when you bounce back from the gloomy days, it’s only you and you alone who will get credit and say: “Yes, I made it!” – on my own.

On Being Strong

Have you ever felt very tired of being strong in the face of adversity?

Have you ever felt wanting to just disappear out of nowhere and never come back?

Have you ever felt just wanting to succumb to loneliness and frustration?

I was all of the above tonight.

For the longest time, I knew being strong was the only option I have to be able to go through each and every day that I have to face the challenges that life has brought me in a silver platter. And that’s what I did. I’ve carried through my life with the strength that other people supposedly envy about me. They have wished that they could have the strength and optimism in life that I have.

Tonight, that strength and optimism failed me. I caved in.

A friend came to the rescue with just one message of help. It has been a while since I poured my feelings out about everything that has been happening to me. I cried. And I cried heavily as I talked.

The hard cry was cathartic.

Tonight, I allowed myself to wallow in my frustrations. I opened myself up to let all the bad things and thoughts in my heart be heard by the universe.

Tonight, I learned that sometimes, being strong is not an available option. I have to allow myself to be weak because I know that I have it in me to be weak. I won’t be strong and brave all the time. Being strong all the time can get you tired. And yeah, I felt so tired.

Tomorrow, I hope, I will be able to wake up with a different perspective in all of these things happening in my life. Maybe this is the sign I’ve been asking for. Maybe I should go on a different direction or goal. Maybe He wants me to be stronger by falling so I could become another better version of myself.

So that being strong would be an option for me once again.

 

Photographs

I’m one who loves to take and keep photographs. It’s actually one of the reasons why I prefer to get a phone that has a big internal memory or an external one at that. When I have the chance, I even have them printed. Printed photos are still the best in this digitally-imprisoned world.

95% of the time, I remember the details of each of the photos I took – why was it taken, what was the circumstance of the photo, my feelings at the time the photo was taken. The details are still very vivid in my memory every single time.

I looked back at some of the photos from a secret folder and there, that inevitable hodge podge of feelings and thoughts came back. Each one could’ve been perfect. But why wasn’t it so?

A barrage of memories – good and bad – just started to race through my mind as I looked at each one of them. And yes, I cried.

If only I could relive and change those moments, I would.

But no they can’t be done even if I so badly wanted to.

And so, they would just remain to be memoirs of  a not-so-distant past and a love gone lost. A love that has changed my life forever – in a series of photographs and in real life.