Our Forever

Tonight is one of those nights that I went back and re-read some messages from the past – when everything seemed true and sincere, at least that was how I felt about it.

5 days into what could have been our third year together, I, once again, went nostalgic.

I could only smile back on those days.  For a moment, I once again felt the love that at some point connected our souls, our beings.

But then again, I have put that behind me now.  Besides, I know that I am now the only one feeling that.  And it has been that way, probably, for the longest time.  I was so engrossed in the feeling that he slipped away.

Yes, he slipped away without me clearly noticing it.  And that would remain to be such.

That would be our forever.

And Then It Hits Again

2 days into that so-called Valentine’s Day, flowers and other mushy stuff are just up for grabs.  Stories about love and relationships abound the feeds of the various forms of social media available.  Love songs are heard everywhere.  Everyone is just so excited about it as love engulfs our shared space of breathable air.

On this day, I will unknowingly be wearing black like I always do.  You won’t see me carrying a big bouquet of flowers nor gorge on chocolates (that I do not really like).  You won’t hear of me giving something else in return.  It will just be an ordinary day where I can get to sleep in and recharge.

Valentine’s Day will just remain to be a part of my very distant past as it hits me again with all the memories of loves gone lost.

This Is My Letter To You, The Boy Who Emotionally Destroyed Me

Note:  The original article was written by Stefanie Manzi which you can find here.

I deleted two lines from the original piece because they did not apply to what happened to us.  Everything else did.

And yes, this is for you.

I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tried to make sense of it all. Now, I want you to imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never good enough for you. You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.

I don’t hate you, though. Instead I want to thank you.

Despite it taking me months, I finally realized that it wasn’t me not being good enough for you, but you not being good enough for me. These words have resonated with me for some time, and I am constantly reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love that was handed to me on a tarnished silver platter. I deserve better than being ignored, I deserve better than being manipulated, and I deserve better than you.

I know I’m not the same girl that was on my bedroom floor that night, because I would never give someone complete power over me where I lost control; complete power over me where I felt I was worthless.

I was consumed by nothing but negativity, and for a while I thought you were my only source of light. I was drowning and every single day I woke up and hoped your hand would pull me up to the surface and save me. I was wrong. That night was the night I realized your hand was never there to save me, but instead there to push me deeper below the surface. The only hand I needed was my own.

You were my darkness and it took me too long to realize this.

I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask yourself what it was you ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying on her bedroom floor. I want you to think of the girl that couldn’t sleep because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become her own personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who couldn’t eat because she had no appetite from the anxiety caused from thinking she did something wrong. I want you to think of the girl who hated herself so much she had to force herself to get up in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I want you to think of the girl who had countless silent breakdowns. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden.

And now I want you to think of the person I have become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating a monster. I’m no longer a monster, and I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I have to seek validation from others that I am worthy. I am thankful you were a part of my life, because you became the best, worst thing to happen to me.

I do hope you’re happy, and just know I don’t regret you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish you the same happiness that I can finally experience every day. Thank you for engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for pushing me further below the surface. Too many great things have come from that darkness. Too many great things have come from you.

Places

There are places you’ll have to go back to, not because they are great places to be in but because of the memories you have with them.  

You live with the pain, you live with the memories. You have to deal with them in any way you can. These places may change but they will never be lost. These places will always have a mark in your life. At one point in the future, you will pass by them by chance or by choice. The feelings you felt in those places may go back. You may cry. You may feel angry and pained. That’s okay. But after that, you just have to head to another direction because the reality of it all is that, you have already taken different paths when it all ended.

Good or bad, the memories you have of these places will be relived in your thoughts and you cannot fight it. But if only to relieve you of the pain of a love that once was in those places, you will have to pass that way again to be able to move forward and go on with your life in another direction.

Some day soon, when you go back to these places, you will feel different about it. It will definitely be all nostalgic and sentimental but, hopefully, in time, it won’t hurt as much anymore.

14/21

How I wish it was just an ordinary working day for me.  I really found it hard to make the hours pass.  Time has been really slow today.

In the middle of the day, under the scorching heat of the sun, I found myself having coffee in what used to be one of our favorite places to hang out together.  Believe it or not, I found solace in what I did.  I know it would have been better if it was with him.  But as it is, I have to start doing things again without him.

Someday soon, I will go back to the places we once went to, I will do things that we used to do with only a smile on my face, remembering what used to be.  They will just be special and happy memories all together of a love that once was.

And I won’t have to cry about it anymore.

13/21

The first day of my 4-day Labor Day weekend.

Another 6-week therapy needed and one more consult on Saturday.  And I was hoping I’m better than how I used to be after the surgery.  My knee may be weak, but my heart is definitely weaker at this point.

After a very long while, I gathered my guts to watch a movie again…on my own this time.  I am not used to doing it anymore.  It was always with him.  We bonded over movies.  It’s difficult to be doing things again on my own.  But I did it.  Only, I felt more alone.

Funny that my Timehop showed a timeline of how we were in the past.  It was nice reading through it, but it made me feel more alone than ever.

Just like the song goes, “there’s always something there to remind me” of him.  It’s something I really have to deal with in reality.